Dream

So last night...well this morning. I woke up and had just had a dream that was so very vivid.

I have never had a dream of having children except one time when I was pregnant that is it. Last night I had one of us having a little boy. At first he was a baby and then the next thing I remember is him being in kindergarten. Derrek and I went to pick him up from school. Derrek was in his uniform. The little boy had hair just the color of Derrek's like to the T! The little boy ran into my arms when he saw us. I remember this dream in such details the little boys shoes came off when he ran into my arms. His shoes were slip on superman shoes that were blue. Derrek went and picked them up out of the green grass! That is how much I remember at least that scene of the dream.

The dream was not neccssiarily a bad dream but it was hard for me to think about! The fact that I remember it so vividly is hard. It was a sad dream for me to wake up and remember. Never had a dream where I had a child I could see vividly and then remember that dream in so many specifics later when i woke up! Not to sure how I feel about it but it has had me a little shaken up all day!

XOXO,
Megs

Having a Sad moment

Well sorry Kelly this post is not as positive as I have been, just a warning.
So I am sitting here and looking at everyones new pictures and such on myspace. It feels like everyone is pregnant. I know it is selfish or mean of me, but it makes me mad. It is hard looking at all these women pregnant. Some younger, some older, some first child, some not, either way it is just hard. It is hard not to thinking about where I would be if I was still pregnant. These are the moments that make it all so hard.

I feel so....alone right now. I just wish I would wake up and be pregnant again, so I can experience all that these women are. It is just not fair!! I know I know...everything happens for a reason, but it is in these moments that I do not feel it and see that it is okay. I know it will pass, but even for the little time I am experiencing this feeling, makes me feel so depressed. I assume this is normal as I only miscarried a little over a week ago. I just do not like thinking about it all and it all being done. No shopping for baby, no getting a bigger belly, no baby shower, no any of that. Well this is a little of how i feel tonight and it is moments like this were being in Derrek's arms would be so comforting...Off to bed soon because I do not want to continue with this feeling.

XOXO,
Megs

One week later

A little over a week ago we experienced the hardest thing we had ever gone through. So you would think we would be doing bad or not so good. Well that is not true. Derrek and I are doing great as a couple. Emotionally we are both still trying to move on from all of this and the great loss that we expereienced. We know it will take time and we are allowing that time to help us heal and come to terms with it all.
But as far as our marriage goes...I think we are better than we have ever been. It is as if we are where I have always dreamed to be. Obviously we hate being away from one another!!! But we connected in ways we had never connected before. He loved me in ways he had never before, but the ways I have always wanted. AS hard as that week was it was great too. I know that is hard to understand, but the strength we have now is more than we ever could have imagined. This situation tested us and our love, and we proved we love one another more than we each thought!

We are now trying to get through a couple more months of being a part! That is harder than it has been before. But we will do it becasue in the end we will have on another. We will have a whole month devoted to us!! We are use to having our marriage be second right after his job as a soldier. Well for the month of May, we can be first! And we are taking advantage of that. We are looking into a romantic trip in the Pocono Mtns in PA!! We are so excited because it will be like the honeymoon we never had. It is a little early for our two year anniversary, but close enough. The army only gives you certain time so you take it when you have it. We are hoping for soem good taxes back so that we can use it for our trip! It will not be cheap but we deserve it and they provide 50% discount for military! So we are stoked beyond belief! Well wish me luck as I attempt to do our taxes myself online this week!! :-)

XOXO,
Megs and Derrek
P.S. no pictures anytime soon as the camera broke last weekend. Just to add to the things we were experiencing the camera was cracked too, thank God I have a birthday in a little over a month!

Dumbest move EVER

Well readers this post will give you a good laugh!
Today I was leaving MD to go back home to CO. My flight was to leave at 3:30pm. Derrek drops me off at the airport, we say our goodbyes and I hold in the tears. I get to the kiosk thing to check in and it can not find me. Not to worry, this happened on the way out here too. So I talk to the lady at the counter. She searches and tells me she does not show me going out today. She asks me if I can check my priceline itinerary online. So I go and sit down and check to make sure I am correct and all. I get on and I look closely, I find the date. The date reads: Thursday February 19th. I stop and stare at that screen. My eyes start to swell with tears. I go back to the counter and tell the lade I messed up and I got the wrong date. I text Derrek and Tell him to stop somewhere and wait a minute for me to call. The wonderful lady at the counter looks up the flights going out today and looking at prices for me to change to fly out today. She comes out with it all and it will be a extra $400 and some change to leave today (Monday). All of a sudden those tears that swelled my eyes are now running down my cheeks. She looks at other flights for the week before Thursday and I am still looking at a minimum of $200. I ask her to hold that flight for today while I figure out what I am going to do.

I call Derrek and begin to just sob. You have to remember this weekend had already not gone as planned and I experienced a lot of things I had never before. I am drained from life in general the past couple months. I tell him I was a idiot and screwed up some how. We decode to call the rental car company and see what it would be to hold the car till Thur and if I could return it on Thursday. We learn it will only be like another $40. We weigh our options and decide the smartest and cheapest thing to do is for me to stay. I am so upset and mad. Not mad that I have to be with Derrek till Thursday, but at the situation, at the times I have been having, and at myself for being so stupid. I have looked at that itinerary many times! I knew what time I flew out, where my lay over was, how long that was and what time I arrived in Denver and the carriers. I never ONCE looked at the date above it though. I never thought too! I swear I would not have done that. I assume either it was my mistake, due to everything on my mind and how much it's going on or priceline screwed it up. Either way I could not change it.

I blame Derrek because last night he told me he wished I could stay longer and then said he wishes I could stay in the barracks with him till May. ;-) So we are going to blame it on him. I just feel like it has been one thing after another. I want a break! ONE month that nothing goes wrong and I experience nothing like I have recently. Just one month. February has not been my month so many March will. We will cross my fingers. Needless to day I am in a cheap hotel for the next couple nights and no more clean underwear HAHA! I am sore, tried, drained, and all I can do is laugh at the situation. I will take the time while Derrek is in class and get ahead in my class this week and read and regroup for when I get home.
Welcome to my life and hope someone got a laugh out of this! We are laughing about it now ourselves!

XOXO,
Meg

P.S. Wish me luck for Thursday! I need luck on my side right about now!

Tattoos+Bonding

Derrek and I thought that getting tattoos would be a wonderful thing to do with everything we have been through the past 2 months. We decided that this miscarriage was the worst thing that we have ever expereienced together and individually. We did learn new things about one another. We learned how much we need each other and how much better things are in life with the other by there side. We learned how strong we really are. I do believe thigns like this test you, it is easy to fail though. There are many times I wanted to by giving up and ignoring it all, but neither of us did. We saw eachother in a new light. Even though this was the end to our first pregnancy, it is the beginning of a better future and relationship. For all of these reasons we thought of the tattoos.

We agreed this was something we would share. I can not post pictures because just like everything else in my life lately, I learned yesterday my camera broke. Just another to add to my list of mishaps. So I will do my best at explaining it:
Our tattoos are a star with angel wings coming out of the right and left side. There is a halo around the top point of the star and underneath the whole thing is a date. Derrek and I did different sizes and also choose different wings, to fit what we liked. Derreks star is pinks and the winds are blues. Mine is the opposite, my star is blues and wings are pinks. The date is 2-14-09. Here is the meaning behind each part of the tattoo and the tattoo as a whole:
The STAR repersents the baby and how he/she is know our shining star.
The WINGS mean the baby is not with us and is like a angel watching over us.
The DATE is the date we lost the baby.
The COLORS repersent the baby, becasue we did not know the sex so we used both blues and pinks.
The TATTOO as a whole repersents what we went through, how we grew from it and how we will never forget what that day did to us as a couple. It basically repersents our strength.

Derrek's is in the middle of his back between his shoulder blades. Mine is located on my outside, right ankle area. It is a little higher than the ankle. We both LOVE them. The people at the tattoo place were super wonderful. Someone different did each of ours so they are simlilar in meaning, but different to fit us each. We feel so good about the decision we made and it was a wonderful time to bond. I will try to get pictures soon at least even from my phone.

XOXO,
Meg

Valentines Day...not what it use to mean

This weekend I was in MD (well still am, I will explain that in the end) visiting Derrek. It was so wonderful to be with him. Well as I feared the trip did not go as planned and was full of a lot of dissapointments and scares. Without trying to go into to many personal and unattracitve details I will do my best to explain what I expereinced and how it has change me.

Saturday morning (Valentines Day) was honestly the worst day of my entire life and will be engrained in my mind and memory forever. I was prepared for the miscarriage, so I thought. I began with the cramps that were nothing abnormal to me. It progessively got worse around 9am. Then the bleeding started. Seriously for FOUR hours it continued. I have never seen so much blood or been so grossed out. As it was easiest to just be in the shower due to what was happening (use your thoughts here), things got way worse. The next thing I expereienced can not be explained and expressed to the exact way I felt it. I started to see double and told Derrek, "I think I am going to pass out.". I had never passed out before but I knew something was not right. So I sat down. Derrek thankfully was behind me. What I experienced then was blurry. I just remember hearing Derrek say something and then everything went white and I began to dream something. I can not tell you now what that was, but whatever it was it was scary. I came to with my head in Derreks hands and him tapping my cheek saying "Baby, come on. Stay with me Baby." I could hear him but could not talk. It took me so much energy to say something to him. SCARY SCARY SCARY! There really is no other way to explain it. It scared Derrek too. I am just grateful he was there to catch my head when it fell. He said he knew something was wrong when my head fell forward. He grabbed my head and said he could not see my eyes. I guess it was only like 15 seconds, but to us both it felt like FOREVER. Right after I came to I threw up. I sat in the shower for another hour beacsue I just could not move. We finally decided I should get out...3 hours later. Before that I almost passed out two more times but Derrek made me pull it together. Needless to say the bleeding, dizzness and vomiting did not stop. I knew what was happening and knew I was going thrugh the miscarriage process, but with the amount of blood I lost and then the passing out we decided with some advice from my mom, it was best to go to the ER.

Eventually we got out of the hotel and eventally got to a ER that was open (Where Derrek is stationed there is no ER so we had to travel farther and it was just a mess). All my tests and blood level actually looked okay. That was the biggest concern. I would not have gone in if I had not expereiened so much blood loss and passing out, becasue I knew what was happening. They gave me fluids and did a ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. It was confirmed I had passed the baby. After four hours of being in the ER on Valentine's day we left. Today I am feeling like a different person compared to Saturday. I am still very sore bascially from my neck and shoulders to my hips. It is bearable compared to what I went through Saturday. I am having some nightmares of that day and am finding it hard to stop playing the scenes over in my head.

Derrek was amazing. He never once left my side, no matter what was happening! He stayed calm and strong for me when I was not. He handled the passing out great and calmly. He was sensitive and understanding. He was comforting and helpful. Never once did he complain from when it all started at 8am till 8pm that night when we left the ER. He had not eaten ALL day but never once said anything. He never got grossed out or looked at me differently from seeing me in that stage. I know things like this sometimes can bring trouble in a marriage, but for us...it did the opposite. We have bonded and become closer. It is as if it connected us in a way. This day will never be a great holiday for us in the future, instead it will be a day of rememberence. I have never experieneced something that was so hard. It is a change in life, personality and future.

So that this does not become a novel I am going to seperate the blogs. So it is more orgnaized. Read in newer posts about, our new tattoos and my new adventure in traveling.

XOXO,
Megs

Miscarriage

Well I had a 2nd ultrasound today. it showed no growth in the baby. That means I am miscarrying. I am kind of in the process of it. Hopefully it will be over SOON. This is something no one prepares you for. It is just something you never think you are going to go through. I am lost on how to move on from here. I just want Derrek here! I do not want to have to go through this. I want to sleep and when I wake up it not have happened. That is really all I can say right now! I am so lost and hurt and just not sure how to move on from here.

The good thing is I am going to see Derrek Presidents weekend. This is the time we need one another and he has 4 days off. So this is what we both need and want. All I can ask is for everyone to pray. Pray this ends soon and I keep it together.

XOXO,
Megs

Unimaginable Pain

Well this will be a long one! So be warned.
As everyone knows my mom works in the OB clinic. On Friday I was having a bad day trying to take care of this stupid insurance stuff for moving to CO and not being in CA anymore. So I went to see her at work. She suggested one of the ladies she works with do a ultrasound. She thought maybe that would help me.
So we do it. She could not find anything on the tummy one. So they did there other way (vaginally in care you did not know). I could tell by the look on the lady(Brit)'s face that something was odd. She asked the date of my last period, because that is how they measure how old the baby is. According to that I am 9 weeks. She said from what she could see, which was hard to see at all, I would be 5-6 weeks. She could not tell me much because she was not 100% sure and it was not an official appt.
She said just to wait till my actual appt on Friday (if Tri-care approves it!!!). At 5-6 weeks you can not see the heartbeat so we would have to wait. At my real appt they would be able to tell if the baby had grown or not.
So the options were basically that I either had been off on my weeks or that I had a mis-pregnancy(as my mom called it). A mis-pregnancy just means the baby did not develop and will disintegrate on its own usually. I had not had any symptoms that you would have if you miscarried. At my appt Friday it would either be the baby got bigger or smaller. So I was upset but took it and knew it would be a long next week.
Well that night at like midnight I just got this feeling. I just knew it was all over. My body told me the baby just was not going to grow. I had also not had pregnancy symptoms in like 3 days. I know most people are not going to understand why and how I already know, but I just do. I will still go on Friday just in case there are problems and just to find out when it happened and all.

I have been an absolute wreck since Friday night. Cried for literally three hours straight that night. I know I do not usually do things normal and things are complicated, but I thought this would be different. I did not expect this. I have cried numerous times since then. I have thought about everything. I have be angry at me, God and other people. I just find it hard to see light in the next day right now. And I know people say "everything happens for a reason" and I am a believer in that, but right now I can not see why and do not want to! You can not justify this! I know it is hard for people to react but I am so tired of hearing the above statement and "It will all be okay!"! How do you know it will be? Yes, with time it will, but right now I do not see that. I know 9 weeks is not that far, but you begin to change and your future is different and you plan it and get excited. It is something that can not fully be understood unless you experienced it.

It was not planned to get pregnant but we had embraced it and were so excited! My symptoms were SO strong and the books and people say the sicker you are the healthier the baby is! I can not help but blame myself. There are people who are 16 or do not want kids or beat there kids, and here we are losing it. I have never experienced anything so....life devastating! The worst thing is Derrek is not here by my side. He has been great over the phone, but to have him here would be so much more comforting!!! Yes, I am an ARMY wife who is suppose to be strong and keep it together, but that is not easy.

Obviously I can not be 100% sure till my real Appt Friday, but I feel I know. How do I go on from here? It is just something I still do not understand and have so many questions. I am trying just to go one day at a time....we will see what happens.

XOXO,
Megs