How do I explain what I feel?

To whoever may actually read my blog or for the sake of getting my feelings and thoughts out in word rather than continuing to bottle them up in my head. I have put off writing a blog for a while now as I have been very intently reading a few other ladies. I have read about the joys and heartbreaks they are going through. When reading these blogs it became apparent to me that what goes on in my life is so unimportant to what they do. Having sick children, not knowing if they are going to live or for how long. How can I think my problems are anything near important when in the same country families are going through so much more, things I could never even imagine experiencing? I know this is MY blog but it is just hard to find something blog worthy.


Another reason I have put this off is for the first time maybe ever I can not seem to explain the feelings, emotions and thoughts that have been feeling my head lately. I am to the point though if I keep it in, I literally might lose my mind. I have had 2 anxiety attacks just within the last month. It is hard to even know why. On top of just being overwhelmed with thoughts I am not sure I know how to say what I feel or think. There are questions I have that no one will ever be able to answer and that is killing me for some reason, just slowly taking up all my thoughts before bed keeping me up. I cry at night while I think about all these things that can not be answered. Trying to find the right path for me and my life, no one else can tell me that, yet I am having a hard time deciding what to do. So I guess the next words in this blog will be me trying to figure out these thoughts or at least maybe make some room in my mind for sleep and peace rather then worry and concern.


I have been so self absorbed in what I want so badly I have forgotten the right way to do things or how to be thankful for the blessings I have. I badly would love to try again to get pregnant. I go back and forth daily. One day I think it is a go and we should do it. The next day I remember that ideally that is not the time. How selfish am I to intentionally bring a child into this world without his father around. Not only is that selfish to the unborn child it is also to Derrek. He should not have to miss out on the pregnancy, possibility the birth and the first months of our FIRST baby’s life! We both would hate that. The RIGHT thing to do is to wait till after deployment, but that is so hard to do. You look around and everyone you know or meet has children or pregnant. You want to be apart of that so badly. Before I got pregnant in December I had wanted children but was mostly content with waiting to finish my degree and spend time getting to know my husband and marriage better. Once we unexpectedly got pregnant everything changed. Now I know the feeling of being pregnant and expecting a child and what an amazing feeling and blessing! Now that I know what I am missing it makes it that much harder to wait. The miscarriage just still is such a big part of my life and I am not sure some days if it will ever go away, the pain that is. I look at these newly pregnant woman or woman who were pregnant the same time I was and I can not help but get grossly jealous! Why not me? How come I had to go through that? And please do not try to answer that as it can not be and the answers I sometimes get upset me. Nothing anyone says makes it better. YES I believe in God and he is number 1 in my life but that does not mean I believe he had a plan….a plan would not be for a mother and father to lose there first unborn child. Now this leads me to my next selfish feeling….

Here I am complaining about going through the miscarriage and losing a fetus after only 10 weeks, while so many other parents experience much worse. They have there children to find out they are sick and may not live. They have a year or a few years with there child and then lose them to death. I look at how hard the miscarriage hits me and I did not ever get to know that baby, to imagine carrying it 9 months and then losing it….makes me sick to my stomach. So my questions that can never be answered with this is why? Why do these beautiful little children have to suffer pain? Why do these amazingly strong parents have to have such heartbreak? Yet these parents are always the most amazing people who are always giving to others, while there child is sick and might not make it through the next day. How can I become this person with this much strength and heart? Here I am breaking down reading these blogs of these scared and concerned parents and I am not in there situation. How do they hold it together? How do they teach me more than I could ever learn anywhere else? I pray nightly, but the last week or so I have prayed more intensely than before. I cry as I begin to pray and pour my heart out to God. I want to fix it! I want to make a difference! I want to help others! I want to find the strength they have! I want to be a better person! Where do I begin to be this person?


I have never felt so lost before. Feeling like I am not sure who I am and what I use to be. Making the most out of life and the situations I have, which are blessings some people may never have, yet maybe I take them for granted way to often. What am I accomplishing in life? I feel useless and as if I am not making the most out of the amazing life I have been given. How do I cherish the next 4 months with my husband knowing in the back of my head he is leaving for a year? Obviously that sounds so silly that I can not do that, but it seems when we have a great day or romantic night together I am constantly thinking of him leaving! I want to just enjoy the NOW rather than worrying about the THEN. I will regret that when he is actually in A-stan for 12 months. I feel like I want to change this and that but for some reason so not know how. Do not know where to start. Do not know how to fix what is not working in my life. Do not know how to be grateful for what I have and be positive with each day as I have it so lucky compared to many.


I feel like I need an entire make-over…inside and out. How do I love myself when I look in the mirror and am disgusted by what I see and how much weight I have added to my little body in the last couple years? Whoever says love who you are obviously does not have anything wrong with them! I am not worried about others loving me for my weight, as everyone does not seem to notice including my amazing husband, but it is what I feel about ME. Weight loss drugs, diets and working out are not helping much. Of course I need to step up the working out, but it is so hard as it causes so much pain with the fibromylgia. I feel like I am constantly losing to myself. How do I become my ideal person who *is happier with her weight,
*who is not so selfish,
*is does not take for granted what she has,
*who looks at the now and does not worry about the future that I can not change,
*that makes sure the people I am so blessed to have in my life know what they mean to me,
*to accomplish things in my life,
*to succeed at the things that lay ahead, to not get discouraged by the little things,
*to find strength as others have,
*to give to others who are not as lucky as I,
and the list may be able to go on even more…but I am honestly exhausted from just thinking about this all and finally pouring it out to my laptop!! I have more but at this time I hope this might help a little and I will continue my words at a latter date.

If you honestly read this….I am impressed and it honestly means a lot. Till next time…

XOXO,
Megs

Leave it to me....

So I flew home to CO for a week. I was suppose to fly back to El Paso last night. We are on the plane on the runway. After about 30 minutes they decide to tell us that our planes breaks are not working. So they tow us back into the gate. Then we have to walk seriously to the other side of the airport to go to a certain gate to get tickets for another flight. Obviously there are none for the night as it is now 10:30 PM. And I had to wait for my bag as I had to curbside check it. So I get to the gate/desk and I am for real at the END of the line of all the people who were on my flight. Thank goodness I make friends with a boy who is 18 and a girl about my age. We made light out of it all as what else were we suppose to do.

After seriously being in this line and standing for an hour and 25minutes I get to the counter! They say they can put me on stand by for the 9:40am flight to El Paso...which I know I will not get on as everyone else is on the same thing. Or leave at 7am and go to Phoenix and then connect to El Paso and get there at 11:20am. So I took that route plus I would be leaving earlier. I know it is stupid but I did not have my lil brother come get me as by the time I got to the front of the counter it was nearly 1am and not worth it if I had to be back in like 4 hours.

They offered a hotel room but I declined as I was so tired by the time I got settled in the hotel it would be 2am and I would have to be up in 2 hours. I know myself and it would have been too hard for me to get up. So they also gave food vouchers so I took one and got food and went to the gate. By this time I was hurting so I took a viciodin and laid down...yes on the airport ground. I sleep for about about 3 hours. Then got up and did homework. I am ready to leave now! I just want to be home in my bed sleeping!! The airline also gave me a voucher for $100 on my next flight through Frontier within a year. So they were nice about it even though it stunk!! So about another 50 mins and we will board. Thank goodness!

On a better note...yesterday I receieved a call from a lady saying I sent her my application a month ago and if I was still interested!!!! YAY!! I think it was a daycare but hey that is with kids and gets me working. So we played phone tag so once I know more I will post.

XOXO,
Megs

Lost my way

For the past week or so I have felt lost. Maybe the move and feeling like I am starting over. I have had a few pity parties for myself. After what feels like forever (even if it was only a week) I feel as if I am finding myself again. After the miscarriage I learned a lot about myself and things I needed to improve. I was doing very well and then got of path and started falling into old habits i.e. negative nelly!

I have no idea what hit me but I feel as if I am finding myself again and not just myself...but the improved self. I am taking a trip home next week and I think that is great for me. Plus I will be bringing my kitties back with me! YAY!!! We miss them so much. Along with that I will be driving a new car back. Derrek and I need a 2nd car as it leaves me stuck in the house when he is at work as we do not live on base. We are looking for a jeep Cherokee or something similar. Thanks to my amazing grandparents we are able to buy a used car to help us out. Nothing fancy just something to get us by. My grandparents are so amazing, not just with helping us our with money for something we need, but for the constant support they provide me and now us. I feel like I have not gotten to know them as much as I would like. I hope to take a trip out East before Derrek deploys and spend time with them more than in the past. I just learned that family is so important and I want to know that I got to know all of them very well.

I am just so blessed with the people in my life. My family is amazing even if we do not talk as often as I would like (dang brothers...if they were sisters it would be different. lol). I am blessed with an amazing mom who has given me so much over the years. I am also blessed with a Dad who has been such a great supporter to me over the last year. I am grateful to have that now. I am blessed with two sets of amazing grandparents, amazing aunts and uncles and the best cousins a girl can have. I have in-laws that have accepted me since the beginning. That makes such the difference. I also have some amazing friends and I am finally learning just because we may not talk everyday does not mean we are not close. I have some friends for years and some new. Some married, some not. Some with kids and some not. Some near and some far. Either way if I needed one of them they would be there. I am extremely grateful for Kelly and Amanda who were there for me the most during the toughest time ever! And there positive outlook that helps me in so many ways. Man I am one lucky girl!!


Oh and we can not forget the husband who is still growing. He is amazing and sometimes I forget that and place blame on him so often and forget that I am also one to blame. We are growing and we are learning. The best thing about that is we are doing it together. Even if he may not cuddle with me as much as I would like or buy me flowers 'just because' he is ALWAYS supporting me and loving me!!! I am blessed to have what I have and hopefully I can remember this as I work on improving myself....

XOXO,
Megs

how can it still hurt so much....

Today was a bad day for me. Sometimes I have days where I am just a little down and miss being pregnant and all, but today was a bad one. I have no idea what hit me either to make me feel as I have all day. Maybe just all the pregnant people around me or the new babies everyone has, but today was hard. I felt like I was reliving the day we found out we lost the baby and the day I actually physcially did lose the baby. I understand that everything happens for a reason and I fully agree...that does not mean it does not hurt!

It is the stupid questions to "why". The questions can never be answered and today I found myself asking God these questions again as I did 4 months ago. It is hard to not have answers and to see people all around you being blessed and it makes it hard to stay strong. I believe though I have done very well with it all...better than anyone expected me to be. So I think I am entialed to a day like this. I literally cried for like 45 minutes today and thank goodness Derrek was home to hold me. I finally fell asleep for a couple hours. Now I am just in a daze nad have a killer headache. I accomplished NOTHING at all today and I am mad at myself for that but again I think I deserve a day like that. It was as if I had an emotional break down and lost the compusure I have managed to keep over the months since the loss. All I ask is that God keeps watching over me and get me through this...and as one of my best friends told me a while back...I have a gardian angel watching over me and just for me.



This is Derrek's Tattoo


XOXO,
Megs

Sleep problems

Another night of being up at 5am. I am so tired of not being able to sleep. I try and do anything to help with it. I have done relaxation techniques, drugs, herbal things like tea, warm showers, and anything else you can think about. I hate it, I want to be able to get up at 10am because I go to bed at a decent hour. I have even tried the last couple days getting up early no matter what time I go to bed, and it still does not help. I get to the point...like right now...that I should not go to sleep. It is 5am and I am afraid that when I do fall asleep then I wont be able to get up at a decent hour, therefore wasting a day with Derrek. Why can I not just be normal? Or be like Derrek who sleeps just fine! AHHHHH

On to other things, getting a job here seems to not be so easy. I have applied for 4 jobs and now I just wait. I hear it is very hard to get a job in El Paso as they expect you to speak both English and Spanish. I think that is stupid as I am in the US. Maybe that is mean of me to say, but I think that is dumb. I am very educated in other things but if I can not speak a foreign language I can't work somewhere. I also decided I am not settling on something like a retail job as I did at Irwin, it is not worth it. I would rather not where then work somewhere that will not help me, make me happy or better my future. I mean that are TONS of military wives that do not work and they are just fine. So we do not need it for the money, I just like to work to stay busy and help learn children more.

Well for now this is it...


XOXO,
Megs

Trying to get orgnaized.

Well we finally recieved our household goods. In ways I wish we had not. The apartment is to small for everything we had before. I am so overwhelmed with the boxes everywhere. We have unpacked a lot but I still feel like we have not. It is hard to unpack and get orgnaized when all these boxes are in the way. It is so furstrating. I wish I could just have someone come do it for me the way I invision it. haha.

We are learning we do not need as much stuff as we had. I have no idea why we have some of the stuff we did. We have so many clothes and I even got rid of so many before we left Irwin. So I will be going through those again once we are all the way unpacked. We just do not have the storage we did at Irwin. We are going to go buy the spacevac things and hope that helps with some winter clothes and such. Man I just hate moving. I just want to be settled already and it to feel like home!

XOXO,
Megs

Friends+Moving=Lonely

So we moved to El Paso and Granted I was only there for a few days before leave to come visit my family on the East Coast...I hate moving. I hate making GOOD friends and then getting comfortable with them and leaving again. It is hard to keep in contact with friends. It is even harder when they still have friends and a life, while I do not have that. I have Derrek but you still need friends. Not living on base this time will make it even harder to make friends. I hate that. I hate being so insecure. I am always afriad if I do not talk to my best friend or godo friend each day that we are growing apart. Stupid I know...but I can not help that feeling. Why is that? I get jealous so easily when old friends go out or have fun. That is so childish I feel. I need a life. lol I am not good with the making good friends and moving and having to start over. AHHHHHHH! I need to stop being overemotional...and trust in my TRUE friends I have made! No one is doing anything wrong, but me, not trusting in the bonds I have with some amazing people!

XOXO,
Megs

Oh so much...so quickly

Well everyone I hoped to get more updates on the honeymoon trip but I tried to avoid the computer besides for homework. I will try and get some updates and pictures from the trip soon! It has been crazy. We got back from our trip Sunday morning. I got very sick with some bad cold...not the swine flu! It is funny though when I cough in public and people look at me as if I am killing them. I get some BAD cold every like 6 months. It tricked me this time and waiting 7-8months. So I have been battling that. I sound like a manly man with my voice too! ;-)
Anyway's we got back Sunday morning to Colorado and left Tuesday morning to Texas. We got here late Tuesday night and went and signed Derrek in at the post and stayed at a hotel. The post is HUGE! It is like a new world compared to Fort Irwin. It is very nice too!
Wednesday we came and signed for our apartment. The manager of the apartments was super sweet and helpful. We got a 2 bedroom/2 bath! It is about 950 sq. ft. and within our BAH (housing money the army gives us). It is a gated community and has on site security who is a Texas patrol. So we are liking it even though there have been delays on getting our household goods released from storage in CA and sent here. So that is hard but we are getting by.

On Wednesday the car was acting up so we had to take it into the shop. The guy there was super nice too and very helpful calling around trying to get us a rental car. So finally we found a place and he took us there. So we had a rental car which was like $50 for ONE day! That was crazy but we did not have a choice. Come to find out there were like 3 things wrong with the car. It needed a tune up and new plugs and such. It needs a new belt and something else with that. So the guy suggested if we could not afford it all today ($800) that at least do the tune up and get the belt replaces ASAP. So we did that. While I am gone next week Derrek is going to take it back and have the other $300 work done. The guy was super helpful and nice though. So far the customer service here in TX has been GREAT! I was concerned at first but so far I am impressed. As much as I hate that the car was acting up I feel grateful...it waited till we got here rather than the ride down and I have had it for 3 years with no problems but to replace the clutch which was my fault. So I am very lucky.

Well Saturday my mom is coming to TX to pick me up and we are going to go get Shawn from school. The orginial plan was Derrek and I were both going with her than our honeymoon...but the army did not like that. So because we are mostly settled depsite not having HHG, I decided I really wanted to go with my mom. I Really want to see Josh too and we are going too. We are going to also stop in VA for a few days so I am super stoked! Besides being away from Derrek it will be great! I miss my family. Well this is already longer than I planned. More updates to come soon I hope!

XOXO,
Megs

Day one of Honeymoon Adventure...

Well I got in to DC Wednesday night. I met Derrek in the airport and it was GREAT! He picked me up in a big hug! We went and rented our car and then started on the road to the hotel we had booked. We got lost and then got to the red roof inn which was crappy. Anyways it was a great night with Derrek. We made a Slurpee run at like midnight and it has rained so I jumped in puddles in the parking lot. Derrek was too "cool" to do it with me. He missed out. hehe I slept dang good!!

Today we decided to go to the Baltimore Aquarium. It was AWESOME! So worth the money. We decided what fish we were going to steal from there and make our own aquarium in the mansion we have when we win the lottery. We even named them. We also paid like $10 extra for the dolphin show. It was so worth it! It was awesome to see dolphins and be so close. After the aquarium we went to the hard rock cafe and shared a grilled chicken sandwich that was amazing!


This is the type of Dolphins we saw at the show. I want one of my own!! Maybe for my next birthday ;-)


After that we got on the road and headed towards PA and decided to drive and we would stop where ever we wanted to. So we stopped at the first exit in Delaware! We both had never been. So we are in the hotel and enjoyed pizza for dinner and some Mikes Hard. It was good.

Derrek is passed out next to me and I am going to join him...tomorrow promises to be FUN as we are going to Hershey, PA! Look for that update. Pictures to come...

XOXO,
Megs and Derrek...kind of :-)

Came together rather nice

Well I am off to DC in like 8 hours. Even though the last 24hours have been very overwhelming i have to be thankful it has come together so great. I found a pretty good plane ticket out price wise. I will meet Derrek at the Ronald Reagan airport where we will rent a car. Then we got a hotel for Wed and Thur night near by for a good deal. We will sight see and spend time together. Then Friday we will go somewhere a little closer to the resort and find something fun to do Friday and Saturday...a little unsure where we want to go. Then on Sunday we will check into the Poconos and stay there till Saturday! Then Saturday we will drive to the Ronald Reagan airport (about 4 hours) and turn in the rental car and fly out EARLY Sunday morning. The rental car was only $50 more to keep the car for 11 days rather than just the 3 days before the honeymoon trip. It was crazy. Needless to say after everything is sad and done we will ahve used most of our tax money and nothing else. So that is good and we got some good deals thanks to the military! It was stressful finding it all but my mom and Derrek were very helpful.

Am I happy I am leaving in two weeks for Bliss....NO! But I am grateful that everything worked out for our trip and Derrek and I get this time together. I wish we had a little more time home with friends and family before we leave but luckily I have had that for two months now. The most important thing is that we will be together again! I am all packed and ready to go! Hopefully I can get some sleep. Very excited to see Derrek in like 15 hours!!!!

XOXO,
Megs