How do I explain what I feel?

To whoever may actually read my blog or for the sake of getting my feelings and thoughts out in word rather than continuing to bottle them up in my head. I have put off writing a blog for a while now as I have been very intently reading a few other ladies. I have read about the joys and heartbreaks they are going through. When reading these blogs it became apparent to me that what goes on in my life is so unimportant to what they do. Having sick children, not knowing if they are going to live or for how long. How can I think my problems are anything near important when in the same country families are going through so much more, things I could never even imagine experiencing? I know this is MY blog but it is just hard to find something blog worthy.


Another reason I have put this off is for the first time maybe ever I can not seem to explain the feelings, emotions and thoughts that have been feeling my head lately. I am to the point though if I keep it in, I literally might lose my mind. I have had 2 anxiety attacks just within the last month. It is hard to even know why. On top of just being overwhelmed with thoughts I am not sure I know how to say what I feel or think. There are questions I have that no one will ever be able to answer and that is killing me for some reason, just slowly taking up all my thoughts before bed keeping me up. I cry at night while I think about all these things that can not be answered. Trying to find the right path for me and my life, no one else can tell me that, yet I am having a hard time deciding what to do. So I guess the next words in this blog will be me trying to figure out these thoughts or at least maybe make some room in my mind for sleep and peace rather then worry and concern.


I have been so self absorbed in what I want so badly I have forgotten the right way to do things or how to be thankful for the blessings I have. I badly would love to try again to get pregnant. I go back and forth daily. One day I think it is a go and we should do it. The next day I remember that ideally that is not the time. How selfish am I to intentionally bring a child into this world without his father around. Not only is that selfish to the unborn child it is also to Derrek. He should not have to miss out on the pregnancy, possibility the birth and the first months of our FIRST baby’s life! We both would hate that. The RIGHT thing to do is to wait till after deployment, but that is so hard to do. You look around and everyone you know or meet has children or pregnant. You want to be apart of that so badly. Before I got pregnant in December I had wanted children but was mostly content with waiting to finish my degree and spend time getting to know my husband and marriage better. Once we unexpectedly got pregnant everything changed. Now I know the feeling of being pregnant and expecting a child and what an amazing feeling and blessing! Now that I know what I am missing it makes it that much harder to wait. The miscarriage just still is such a big part of my life and I am not sure some days if it will ever go away, the pain that is. I look at these newly pregnant woman or woman who were pregnant the same time I was and I can not help but get grossly jealous! Why not me? How come I had to go through that? And please do not try to answer that as it can not be and the answers I sometimes get upset me. Nothing anyone says makes it better. YES I believe in God and he is number 1 in my life but that does not mean I believe he had a plan….a plan would not be for a mother and father to lose there first unborn child. Now this leads me to my next selfish feeling….

Here I am complaining about going through the miscarriage and losing a fetus after only 10 weeks, while so many other parents experience much worse. They have there children to find out they are sick and may not live. They have a year or a few years with there child and then lose them to death. I look at how hard the miscarriage hits me and I did not ever get to know that baby, to imagine carrying it 9 months and then losing it….makes me sick to my stomach. So my questions that can never be answered with this is why? Why do these beautiful little children have to suffer pain? Why do these amazingly strong parents have to have such heartbreak? Yet these parents are always the most amazing people who are always giving to others, while there child is sick and might not make it through the next day. How can I become this person with this much strength and heart? Here I am breaking down reading these blogs of these scared and concerned parents and I am not in there situation. How do they hold it together? How do they teach me more than I could ever learn anywhere else? I pray nightly, but the last week or so I have prayed more intensely than before. I cry as I begin to pray and pour my heart out to God. I want to fix it! I want to make a difference! I want to help others! I want to find the strength they have! I want to be a better person! Where do I begin to be this person?


I have never felt so lost before. Feeling like I am not sure who I am and what I use to be. Making the most out of life and the situations I have, which are blessings some people may never have, yet maybe I take them for granted way to often. What am I accomplishing in life? I feel useless and as if I am not making the most out of the amazing life I have been given. How do I cherish the next 4 months with my husband knowing in the back of my head he is leaving for a year? Obviously that sounds so silly that I can not do that, but it seems when we have a great day or romantic night together I am constantly thinking of him leaving! I want to just enjoy the NOW rather than worrying about the THEN. I will regret that when he is actually in A-stan for 12 months. I feel like I want to change this and that but for some reason so not know how. Do not know where to start. Do not know how to fix what is not working in my life. Do not know how to be grateful for what I have and be positive with each day as I have it so lucky compared to many.


I feel like I need an entire make-over…inside and out. How do I love myself when I look in the mirror and am disgusted by what I see and how much weight I have added to my little body in the last couple years? Whoever says love who you are obviously does not have anything wrong with them! I am not worried about others loving me for my weight, as everyone does not seem to notice including my amazing husband, but it is what I feel about ME. Weight loss drugs, diets and working out are not helping much. Of course I need to step up the working out, but it is so hard as it causes so much pain with the fibromylgia. I feel like I am constantly losing to myself. How do I become my ideal person who *is happier with her weight,
*who is not so selfish,
*is does not take for granted what she has,
*who looks at the now and does not worry about the future that I can not change,
*that makes sure the people I am so blessed to have in my life know what they mean to me,
*to accomplish things in my life,
*to succeed at the things that lay ahead, to not get discouraged by the little things,
*to find strength as others have,
*to give to others who are not as lucky as I,
and the list may be able to go on even more…but I am honestly exhausted from just thinking about this all and finally pouring it out to my laptop!! I have more but at this time I hope this might help a little and I will continue my words at a latter date.

If you honestly read this….I am impressed and it honestly means a lot. Till next time…

XOXO,
Megs

Leave it to me....

So I flew home to CO for a week. I was suppose to fly back to El Paso last night. We are on the plane on the runway. After about 30 minutes they decide to tell us that our planes breaks are not working. So they tow us back into the gate. Then we have to walk seriously to the other side of the airport to go to a certain gate to get tickets for another flight. Obviously there are none for the night as it is now 10:30 PM. And I had to wait for my bag as I had to curbside check it. So I get to the gate/desk and I am for real at the END of the line of all the people who were on my flight. Thank goodness I make friends with a boy who is 18 and a girl about my age. We made light out of it all as what else were we suppose to do.

After seriously being in this line and standing for an hour and 25minutes I get to the counter! They say they can put me on stand by for the 9:40am flight to El Paso...which I know I will not get on as everyone else is on the same thing. Or leave at 7am and go to Phoenix and then connect to El Paso and get there at 11:20am. So I took that route plus I would be leaving earlier. I know it is stupid but I did not have my lil brother come get me as by the time I got to the front of the counter it was nearly 1am and not worth it if I had to be back in like 4 hours.

They offered a hotel room but I declined as I was so tired by the time I got settled in the hotel it would be 2am and I would have to be up in 2 hours. I know myself and it would have been too hard for me to get up. So they also gave food vouchers so I took one and got food and went to the gate. By this time I was hurting so I took a viciodin and laid down...yes on the airport ground. I sleep for about about 3 hours. Then got up and did homework. I am ready to leave now! I just want to be home in my bed sleeping!! The airline also gave me a voucher for $100 on my next flight through Frontier within a year. So they were nice about it even though it stunk!! So about another 50 mins and we will board. Thank goodness!

On a better note...yesterday I receieved a call from a lady saying I sent her my application a month ago and if I was still interested!!!! YAY!! I think it was a daycare but hey that is with kids and gets me working. So we played phone tag so once I know more I will post.

XOXO,
Megs

Lost my way

For the past week or so I have felt lost. Maybe the move and feeling like I am starting over. I have had a few pity parties for myself. After what feels like forever (even if it was only a week) I feel as if I am finding myself again. After the miscarriage I learned a lot about myself and things I needed to improve. I was doing very well and then got of path and started falling into old habits i.e. negative nelly!

I have no idea what hit me but I feel as if I am finding myself again and not just myself...but the improved self. I am taking a trip home next week and I think that is great for me. Plus I will be bringing my kitties back with me! YAY!!! We miss them so much. Along with that I will be driving a new car back. Derrek and I need a 2nd car as it leaves me stuck in the house when he is at work as we do not live on base. We are looking for a jeep Cherokee or something similar. Thanks to my amazing grandparents we are able to buy a used car to help us out. Nothing fancy just something to get us by. My grandparents are so amazing, not just with helping us our with money for something we need, but for the constant support they provide me and now us. I feel like I have not gotten to know them as much as I would like. I hope to take a trip out East before Derrek deploys and spend time with them more than in the past. I just learned that family is so important and I want to know that I got to know all of them very well.

I am just so blessed with the people in my life. My family is amazing even if we do not talk as often as I would like (dang brothers...if they were sisters it would be different. lol). I am blessed with an amazing mom who has given me so much over the years. I am also blessed with a Dad who has been such a great supporter to me over the last year. I am grateful to have that now. I am blessed with two sets of amazing grandparents, amazing aunts and uncles and the best cousins a girl can have. I have in-laws that have accepted me since the beginning. That makes such the difference. I also have some amazing friends and I am finally learning just because we may not talk everyday does not mean we are not close. I have some friends for years and some new. Some married, some not. Some with kids and some not. Some near and some far. Either way if I needed one of them they would be there. I am extremely grateful for Kelly and Amanda who were there for me the most during the toughest time ever! And there positive outlook that helps me in so many ways. Man I am one lucky girl!!


Oh and we can not forget the husband who is still growing. He is amazing and sometimes I forget that and place blame on him so often and forget that I am also one to blame. We are growing and we are learning. The best thing about that is we are doing it together. Even if he may not cuddle with me as much as I would like or buy me flowers 'just because' he is ALWAYS supporting me and loving me!!! I am blessed to have what I have and hopefully I can remember this as I work on improving myself....

XOXO,
Megs

how can it still hurt so much....

Today was a bad day for me. Sometimes I have days where I am just a little down and miss being pregnant and all, but today was a bad one. I have no idea what hit me either to make me feel as I have all day. Maybe just all the pregnant people around me or the new babies everyone has, but today was hard. I felt like I was reliving the day we found out we lost the baby and the day I actually physcially did lose the baby. I understand that everything happens for a reason and I fully agree...that does not mean it does not hurt!

It is the stupid questions to "why". The questions can never be answered and today I found myself asking God these questions again as I did 4 months ago. It is hard to not have answers and to see people all around you being blessed and it makes it hard to stay strong. I believe though I have done very well with it all...better than anyone expected me to be. So I think I am entialed to a day like this. I literally cried for like 45 minutes today and thank goodness Derrek was home to hold me. I finally fell asleep for a couple hours. Now I am just in a daze nad have a killer headache. I accomplished NOTHING at all today and I am mad at myself for that but again I think I deserve a day like that. It was as if I had an emotional break down and lost the compusure I have managed to keep over the months since the loss. All I ask is that God keeps watching over me and get me through this...and as one of my best friends told me a while back...I have a gardian angel watching over me and just for me.



This is Derrek's Tattoo


XOXO,
Megs

Sleep problems

Another night of being up at 5am. I am so tired of not being able to sleep. I try and do anything to help with it. I have done relaxation techniques, drugs, herbal things like tea, warm showers, and anything else you can think about. I hate it, I want to be able to get up at 10am because I go to bed at a decent hour. I have even tried the last couple days getting up early no matter what time I go to bed, and it still does not help. I get to the point...like right now...that I should not go to sleep. It is 5am and I am afraid that when I do fall asleep then I wont be able to get up at a decent hour, therefore wasting a day with Derrek. Why can I not just be normal? Or be like Derrek who sleeps just fine! AHHHHH

On to other things, getting a job here seems to not be so easy. I have applied for 4 jobs and now I just wait. I hear it is very hard to get a job in El Paso as they expect you to speak both English and Spanish. I think that is stupid as I am in the US. Maybe that is mean of me to say, but I think that is dumb. I am very educated in other things but if I can not speak a foreign language I can't work somewhere. I also decided I am not settling on something like a retail job as I did at Irwin, it is not worth it. I would rather not where then work somewhere that will not help me, make me happy or better my future. I mean that are TONS of military wives that do not work and they are just fine. So we do not need it for the money, I just like to work to stay busy and help learn children more.

Well for now this is it...


XOXO,
Megs

Trying to get orgnaized.

Well we finally recieved our household goods. In ways I wish we had not. The apartment is to small for everything we had before. I am so overwhelmed with the boxes everywhere. We have unpacked a lot but I still feel like we have not. It is hard to unpack and get orgnaized when all these boxes are in the way. It is so furstrating. I wish I could just have someone come do it for me the way I invision it. haha.

We are learning we do not need as much stuff as we had. I have no idea why we have some of the stuff we did. We have so many clothes and I even got rid of so many before we left Irwin. So I will be going through those again once we are all the way unpacked. We just do not have the storage we did at Irwin. We are going to go buy the spacevac things and hope that helps with some winter clothes and such. Man I just hate moving. I just want to be settled already and it to feel like home!

XOXO,
Megs

Friends+Moving=Lonely

So we moved to El Paso and Granted I was only there for a few days before leave to come visit my family on the East Coast...I hate moving. I hate making GOOD friends and then getting comfortable with them and leaving again. It is hard to keep in contact with friends. It is even harder when they still have friends and a life, while I do not have that. I have Derrek but you still need friends. Not living on base this time will make it even harder to make friends. I hate that. I hate being so insecure. I am always afriad if I do not talk to my best friend or godo friend each day that we are growing apart. Stupid I know...but I can not help that feeling. Why is that? I get jealous so easily when old friends go out or have fun. That is so childish I feel. I need a life. lol I am not good with the making good friends and moving and having to start over. AHHHHHHH! I need to stop being overemotional...and trust in my TRUE friends I have made! No one is doing anything wrong, but me, not trusting in the bonds I have with some amazing people!

XOXO,
Megs

Oh so much...so quickly

Well everyone I hoped to get more updates on the honeymoon trip but I tried to avoid the computer besides for homework. I will try and get some updates and pictures from the trip soon! It has been crazy. We got back from our trip Sunday morning. I got very sick with some bad cold...not the swine flu! It is funny though when I cough in public and people look at me as if I am killing them. I get some BAD cold every like 6 months. It tricked me this time and waiting 7-8months. So I have been battling that. I sound like a manly man with my voice too! ;-)
Anyway's we got back Sunday morning to Colorado and left Tuesday morning to Texas. We got here late Tuesday night and went and signed Derrek in at the post and stayed at a hotel. The post is HUGE! It is like a new world compared to Fort Irwin. It is very nice too!
Wednesday we came and signed for our apartment. The manager of the apartments was super sweet and helpful. We got a 2 bedroom/2 bath! It is about 950 sq. ft. and within our BAH (housing money the army gives us). It is a gated community and has on site security who is a Texas patrol. So we are liking it even though there have been delays on getting our household goods released from storage in CA and sent here. So that is hard but we are getting by.

On Wednesday the car was acting up so we had to take it into the shop. The guy there was super nice too and very helpful calling around trying to get us a rental car. So finally we found a place and he took us there. So we had a rental car which was like $50 for ONE day! That was crazy but we did not have a choice. Come to find out there were like 3 things wrong with the car. It needed a tune up and new plugs and such. It needs a new belt and something else with that. So the guy suggested if we could not afford it all today ($800) that at least do the tune up and get the belt replaces ASAP. So we did that. While I am gone next week Derrek is going to take it back and have the other $300 work done. The guy was super helpful and nice though. So far the customer service here in TX has been GREAT! I was concerned at first but so far I am impressed. As much as I hate that the car was acting up I feel grateful...it waited till we got here rather than the ride down and I have had it for 3 years with no problems but to replace the clutch which was my fault. So I am very lucky.

Well Saturday my mom is coming to TX to pick me up and we are going to go get Shawn from school. The orginial plan was Derrek and I were both going with her than our honeymoon...but the army did not like that. So because we are mostly settled depsite not having HHG, I decided I really wanted to go with my mom. I Really want to see Josh too and we are going too. We are going to also stop in VA for a few days so I am super stoked! Besides being away from Derrek it will be great! I miss my family. Well this is already longer than I planned. More updates to come soon I hope!

XOXO,
Megs

Day one of Honeymoon Adventure...

Well I got in to DC Wednesday night. I met Derrek in the airport and it was GREAT! He picked me up in a big hug! We went and rented our car and then started on the road to the hotel we had booked. We got lost and then got to the red roof inn which was crappy. Anyways it was a great night with Derrek. We made a Slurpee run at like midnight and it has rained so I jumped in puddles in the parking lot. Derrek was too "cool" to do it with me. He missed out. hehe I slept dang good!!

Today we decided to go to the Baltimore Aquarium. It was AWESOME! So worth the money. We decided what fish we were going to steal from there and make our own aquarium in the mansion we have when we win the lottery. We even named them. We also paid like $10 extra for the dolphin show. It was so worth it! It was awesome to see dolphins and be so close. After the aquarium we went to the hard rock cafe and shared a grilled chicken sandwich that was amazing!


This is the type of Dolphins we saw at the show. I want one of my own!! Maybe for my next birthday ;-)


After that we got on the road and headed towards PA and decided to drive and we would stop where ever we wanted to. So we stopped at the first exit in Delaware! We both had never been. So we are in the hotel and enjoyed pizza for dinner and some Mikes Hard. It was good.

Derrek is passed out next to me and I am going to join him...tomorrow promises to be FUN as we are going to Hershey, PA! Look for that update. Pictures to come...

XOXO,
Megs and Derrek...kind of :-)

Came together rather nice

Well I am off to DC in like 8 hours. Even though the last 24hours have been very overwhelming i have to be thankful it has come together so great. I found a pretty good plane ticket out price wise. I will meet Derrek at the Ronald Reagan airport where we will rent a car. Then we got a hotel for Wed and Thur night near by for a good deal. We will sight see and spend time together. Then Friday we will go somewhere a little closer to the resort and find something fun to do Friday and Saturday...a little unsure where we want to go. Then on Sunday we will check into the Poconos and stay there till Saturday! Then Saturday we will drive to the Ronald Reagan airport (about 4 hours) and turn in the rental car and fly out EARLY Sunday morning. The rental car was only $50 more to keep the car for 11 days rather than just the 3 days before the honeymoon trip. It was crazy. Needless to say after everything is sad and done we will ahve used most of our tax money and nothing else. So that is good and we got some good deals thanks to the military! It was stressful finding it all but my mom and Derrek were very helpful.

Am I happy I am leaving in two weeks for Bliss....NO! But I am grateful that everything worked out for our trip and Derrek and I get this time together. I wish we had a little more time home with friends and family before we leave but luckily I have had that for two months now. The most important thing is that we will be together again! I am all packed and ready to go! Hopefully I can get some sleep. Very excited to see Derrek in like 15 hours!!!!

XOXO,
Megs

Army life can BITE BAD!

So I guess April is not going to be another GREAT month like March. Derrek found out today that when he is released from Aberdeen (where he is at for school right now) on Wednesday or Thursday we have 15 days to get to Fort Bliss. Orginally his orders said the 10th of June. Do not ask me questions on how and why they did this but they did. It is the Army so you can not ask many questions and they do not give many answers. So our ENTIRE plans changed!

Stupid me did not get insurance on his plane ticket for Wednesday so....they gave us a credit through travelocity (where I bought his ticket) that has to be used in the next year under Derrek's name and the same airline. So there goes that $150 till a later date. So I bought a ticket for $180 to Ronald Raegan Airport for Wednesday. And got a rental car. We will sight see and hang out until Sunday. Then Sunday we will go to the Poconos for our honeymoon trip....thankfully we were able to change the date we had set for May to this coming Sunday. No difference in price or room or anything. So that worked out. Now I need to find plane tickets back to CO from PA next Saturday and we will be home for only a few days then on our way to Bliss.

I am thankful that most of it worked out with the honeymoon trip and all. Thank god i saved ALL our tax money for this trip, because we will be using it ALL. So we are forking out more money with extra plane tickets, hotel and car rental but sometimes you have to enjoy time and not worry about money. I am obviously overwhelmed and stressed as this was not the plan and I can not imagine having to leave by the end of this month. So stress is the apartment hunting and such goes up. But I will try and take it day by day.

Well gotta get some homework done and then start packing as I leave Wednesday morning!

XOXO,
Megs

What a wonderful world...

As I sit here and it is almost 1am I have so much that I am thinking of. I had a wonderful birthday and I have to say it was because I have such amazing people in my life. Between the texts, calls, comments and the lucky ones who got to party with me that night, I was just so lucky to have so much love. That is honestly the best gift a person can have. It is not about material things, but the people who share with you in that special day and I had many.

It makes me just keep thinking back to what I have been through the past two and a half months. I know I have said it before but I am just so grateful for what I have gained through it all. Some amazing friendships that will last a lifetime. The positive outlook I have gained through all the sadness and reality of the things I have faced. The motivation I have to make my future bright and successful. The amazing love and strength Derrek and I have gained as a couple. All of these things came from something that is honestly the worst thing I could have imagined to happen at that time in my life.

Often times lately I have jumped to conclusions and have gotten concerned so easily over things that are not worth it. Because I have had so many great things lately I am so use to something going wrong so it is as if I am on guard for that thing to happen. So sometimes I catch myself trying to hard to please people in my friendships because of the fear of losing them. I am trying to stop this as it will cause problems if I keep questioning things. It is not the person or people at all! It is my past. I think that is my hardest thing is leaving the past in the past. So that is what I am going to be working on for a little while...trusting life is good and that something bad does NOT have to happen. Enjoy what I have and think about the present not the past or even future. That is my goal for this month.

I can not say thank you enough to the amazing people in my life who are still by my side on my bad days when I break down. For the people with countious encouraging words and not the statements such as "I know how you feel" and "it will all be okay". You know who you are and I am blessed to have you!!!

XOXO,
Megs

Twitter??

Well I just joined the world of Twitter.....http://twitter.com/MegsHeartDerrek! Not that I have any clue what it really is! Between my blog, myspace and facebook...I do not know if twitter is any difference. It seems very confusing to me. Anyone have any insight for me?
Oh and I did find a actress who was Punky Brewster!!! I loved that show and have almost all the seasons on DVD! She is so pretty. It was crazy to see her name pop up on twitter. HAHA Well hopefully I will learn what this is and what the buzz is all about!

Off to bed as tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY!!!!

XOXO,
Megs

March was GREAT

Well it has been a while. Just have not been in the mood to write...which is odd for me. Anyways as tomorrow is the first day of April I have to say how lucky I have been. The weekend I miscarried and my camera broke and I got stuck in MD for longer than planned I told my mom I was going to pray that March would be my month. I guess God heard that prayer.

March was amazing! It was full of some amazing memories. Of course there were still rough days where I cried and wished I was still pregnant. But for all I have been through this month was wonderful. I have been blessed with some amazing people! I have found a amazing friend when I needed it most. I have gained more strength then I ever imagained having before. I began to see life in a new way since the miscarriage. I began planning our honeymoon. I finally found some nice apartments in El Paso that are within about 25 minute drive. I got closure on something that had been hurting me for 3 years. I got my hair done and love it. Derrek and I have become even closer. Derrek and I understand how important our love is. I learned that even though some friends are not close in distance they have been amazing through it all! I have spent lots of me and my mommy time. I have laughed more than i have in a long time. I have stressed less than i have in a long time. I saw life in a brighter light and believed that people can make all the difference in your life.



Miscarrying was by far the worst expereince ever, but I have to be grateful for everything that has come out of it since. God has blessed me and made me see myself in ways I never did before. Helping me to forget abuot something and leave it in his hands. Reminding me of who I am and the strength I carry in me. My showing me the people in my life who truly care and are worth my time and energy. As I sit and reflect on this amazing month i can only hope that April is full of many more memories, lessons and laughters! Consdiering it is my birthday month and when Derrek finally comes home...I am in great hopes that it will be good! As sad as I am to see March be done, I look forward to the new memories i will make in April.


XOXO,
Megs

I want to fix it.

I remember now more and more who I am. I love being the ear to someones problems. I love being the girl advice giver to guy friends. I love being able to make someone smile when they are having a bad day. But what I do not love is watching someone I care about be in pain and there is nothing I can do.

You know you really care about someone when they are crying and you start crying! It hurt me to see her hurt and know nothing I could say would make it better for her. It hurts me now to know emotionally and physically she is going through something no 22 year old should have to go through. I want to fix it! I want to take it all away. Good people do not deserve some of the crap they get. There are so many mean and evil people out there who never experience hardships as I have or she has. It is not fair!!! I know that is part of life, but it does not mean I can not be mad about it. I want to take her pain from her and ease her worries and i can not.

I also hate being hundreds miles away from my husband as he is struggling with an injury. It is not the end of the world but it is emotionally affecting him because they have him on a profile (not being able to do PT or hold weapons) and missing class for DR appts. I know he psychically is okay but i hate seeing...well hearing him down and knowing I can not do much.

Why can't I be superwoman and fix everyones hardships? That is what I want! I do not want ot see people I love suffer!

XOXO,
Meg
P.S. Me out having fun enjoying life for the first time in two months....

Honeymoon and life....

Well it is relaity! After everything Derrek and I have been through in the last 2 months we decided we needed to finally have a honeymoon! We have been talking about it and have been so excited but yesterday I actually booked it and put a deposit down, so it is really happening!!

We looked into many options and decided that the Pocono Mountains in PA was perfect. It is a couples resort and the rooms are amazing! On top of that I did my research and they give great military discounts. 50% weekdays and 20% weekends. So a room that is normally like $400 a night was $200 for us. This is an all inclusive resort. It is amazing. They have 3 hotels on the resort and we picked this one...
Suites at Paradise Stream and then they have tons of room choices and we picked Diana's Oasis. It has a heart shaped bath tub! Which of course I love. We have our own private pool and fireplace.

On top of it being the most romantic room ever there is so much to do. We are looking at horse back riding for sure and a couple other things for sure. We will expereince as much as we can in our 6 nights and 7 days. I will include the link for anyone interested. It is almost two years after our wedding but a honeymoon is a honeymoon.

FYI: for anyone who was thinking of getting us an anniversary gift or anything and would like to help with the trip. They have gift certificates you can purchase on the website. We would love something liek that this year to help us with our trip even though it will be two months before our actual anniversary.

CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE THOUGH.....
http://www.caesarspoconoresorts.com/suites/dianasoasis.aspx

XOXO,
Meg and Derrek

I have so much!

Sometimes you get so down and life keeps handing you crap...as I know! And you get screwed over so much it is hard to remember that things happen and people come into our lives that do NOT screw us over. We focus on the bad ones that sometimes we forget about the good ones, right in front of us...Well at least I do this. I have finally gotten out a little bit and it has been so great to be reminded who I am, where I come from and the wonderful people who are there new and old.

Last week I went to hang out with a old HS friend. She really hurt me like 5 years ago. But once we got together it was as if we had been friends forever. We both have grown and changed but are still the same. It was nice to re-connect and have that girl who was just as emotional and passionate about things as I am. We connect and have so much fun together. Also thanks to Britters, it kind of got me started on getting out again and enjoying life. Thank goodness for her and her persistance! Thanks Brit!!

This weekend I did more than I have since before I was pregnant so that was great for me and helped me with sleeping a little. Saturday night I hang out with Ashley(for those who do not know her and i have been friends since we were 5 years old!). We went to this little ghetto bar becasue my friend, Josh his band was playing there. Not our type of bar but we went for support of Josh. It was great to be out with Ashley and have a few drinks. She is excited to take me out over the next couple months. The way I see it is this is about the only time I will not be working in my life so might as well live it up and have some fun. It was also great to hear Joshs band and look at the changes they have come through esp him. It was nice to see a old friend who really helped me in life and got me where I am.

Then yesterday, Sunday, I hang out with two friends for my dorm days at Colorado Mtn College my first year of college. Katie and I went up to CO Springs to see Chelsea. We met her boyfriend who is so perfect for her and makes me so happy to see her having such a great support system becasue she has been through a lot.
The three of us girls than went to the mall, then mini golfing and then got ice cream. I was so tired by the time we headed home but it was worth it. It was as if no time had passed since we saw one another last which was my wedding. We had so much fun and it was so great to be reminded you have great friends.

So over all I have learned and been reminded that I might not talk to people all the time but when things get rough they are there. When you get to get out of the house they are there. If you need a shoulder they are there no matter the distance! I have gone throuhg a lot with girl friends hurting me and walking all over me, but in the end finally at the age of 23 (well in a month I will be 23) I have finally learned how to pick my friends and am blessed!

So to Kelly, Britters, Amanda, Chels, Katie, Ashley, Shanda, Desirae and anyone else who has been there....THANK YOU...I could not get thorugh this without you!!!

XOXO,
Megs

Dream

So last night...well this morning. I woke up and had just had a dream that was so very vivid.

I have never had a dream of having children except one time when I was pregnant that is it. Last night I had one of us having a little boy. At first he was a baby and then the next thing I remember is him being in kindergarten. Derrek and I went to pick him up from school. Derrek was in his uniform. The little boy had hair just the color of Derrek's like to the T! The little boy ran into my arms when he saw us. I remember this dream in such details the little boys shoes came off when he ran into my arms. His shoes were slip on superman shoes that were blue. Derrek went and picked them up out of the green grass! That is how much I remember at least that scene of the dream.

The dream was not neccssiarily a bad dream but it was hard for me to think about! The fact that I remember it so vividly is hard. It was a sad dream for me to wake up and remember. Never had a dream where I had a child I could see vividly and then remember that dream in so many specifics later when i woke up! Not to sure how I feel about it but it has had me a little shaken up all day!

XOXO,
Megs

Having a Sad moment

Well sorry Kelly this post is not as positive as I have been, just a warning.
So I am sitting here and looking at everyones new pictures and such on myspace. It feels like everyone is pregnant. I know it is selfish or mean of me, but it makes me mad. It is hard looking at all these women pregnant. Some younger, some older, some first child, some not, either way it is just hard. It is hard not to thinking about where I would be if I was still pregnant. These are the moments that make it all so hard.

I feel so....alone right now. I just wish I would wake up and be pregnant again, so I can experience all that these women are. It is just not fair!! I know I know...everything happens for a reason, but it is in these moments that I do not feel it and see that it is okay. I know it will pass, but even for the little time I am experiencing this feeling, makes me feel so depressed. I assume this is normal as I only miscarried a little over a week ago. I just do not like thinking about it all and it all being done. No shopping for baby, no getting a bigger belly, no baby shower, no any of that. Well this is a little of how i feel tonight and it is moments like this were being in Derrek's arms would be so comforting...Off to bed soon because I do not want to continue with this feeling.

XOXO,
Megs

One week later

A little over a week ago we experienced the hardest thing we had ever gone through. So you would think we would be doing bad or not so good. Well that is not true. Derrek and I are doing great as a couple. Emotionally we are both still trying to move on from all of this and the great loss that we expereienced. We know it will take time and we are allowing that time to help us heal and come to terms with it all.
But as far as our marriage goes...I think we are better than we have ever been. It is as if we are where I have always dreamed to be. Obviously we hate being away from one another!!! But we connected in ways we had never connected before. He loved me in ways he had never before, but the ways I have always wanted. AS hard as that week was it was great too. I know that is hard to understand, but the strength we have now is more than we ever could have imagined. This situation tested us and our love, and we proved we love one another more than we each thought!

We are now trying to get through a couple more months of being a part! That is harder than it has been before. But we will do it becasue in the end we will have on another. We will have a whole month devoted to us!! We are use to having our marriage be second right after his job as a soldier. Well for the month of May, we can be first! And we are taking advantage of that. We are looking into a romantic trip in the Pocono Mtns in PA!! We are so excited because it will be like the honeymoon we never had. It is a little early for our two year anniversary, but close enough. The army only gives you certain time so you take it when you have it. We are hoping for soem good taxes back so that we can use it for our trip! It will not be cheap but we deserve it and they provide 50% discount for military! So we are stoked beyond belief! Well wish me luck as I attempt to do our taxes myself online this week!! :-)

XOXO,
Megs and Derrek
P.S. no pictures anytime soon as the camera broke last weekend. Just to add to the things we were experiencing the camera was cracked too, thank God I have a birthday in a little over a month!

Dumbest move EVER

Well readers this post will give you a good laugh!
Today I was leaving MD to go back home to CO. My flight was to leave at 3:30pm. Derrek drops me off at the airport, we say our goodbyes and I hold in the tears. I get to the kiosk thing to check in and it can not find me. Not to worry, this happened on the way out here too. So I talk to the lady at the counter. She searches and tells me she does not show me going out today. She asks me if I can check my priceline itinerary online. So I go and sit down and check to make sure I am correct and all. I get on and I look closely, I find the date. The date reads: Thursday February 19th. I stop and stare at that screen. My eyes start to swell with tears. I go back to the counter and tell the lade I messed up and I got the wrong date. I text Derrek and Tell him to stop somewhere and wait a minute for me to call. The wonderful lady at the counter looks up the flights going out today and looking at prices for me to change to fly out today. She comes out with it all and it will be a extra $400 and some change to leave today (Monday). All of a sudden those tears that swelled my eyes are now running down my cheeks. She looks at other flights for the week before Thursday and I am still looking at a minimum of $200. I ask her to hold that flight for today while I figure out what I am going to do.

I call Derrek and begin to just sob. You have to remember this weekend had already not gone as planned and I experienced a lot of things I had never before. I am drained from life in general the past couple months. I tell him I was a idiot and screwed up some how. We decode to call the rental car company and see what it would be to hold the car till Thur and if I could return it on Thursday. We learn it will only be like another $40. We weigh our options and decide the smartest and cheapest thing to do is for me to stay. I am so upset and mad. Not mad that I have to be with Derrek till Thursday, but at the situation, at the times I have been having, and at myself for being so stupid. I have looked at that itinerary many times! I knew what time I flew out, where my lay over was, how long that was and what time I arrived in Denver and the carriers. I never ONCE looked at the date above it though. I never thought too! I swear I would not have done that. I assume either it was my mistake, due to everything on my mind and how much it's going on or priceline screwed it up. Either way I could not change it.

I blame Derrek because last night he told me he wished I could stay longer and then said he wishes I could stay in the barracks with him till May. ;-) So we are going to blame it on him. I just feel like it has been one thing after another. I want a break! ONE month that nothing goes wrong and I experience nothing like I have recently. Just one month. February has not been my month so many March will. We will cross my fingers. Needless to day I am in a cheap hotel for the next couple nights and no more clean underwear HAHA! I am sore, tried, drained, and all I can do is laugh at the situation. I will take the time while Derrek is in class and get ahead in my class this week and read and regroup for when I get home.
Welcome to my life and hope someone got a laugh out of this! We are laughing about it now ourselves!

XOXO,
Meg

P.S. Wish me luck for Thursday! I need luck on my side right about now!

Tattoos+Bonding

Derrek and I thought that getting tattoos would be a wonderful thing to do with everything we have been through the past 2 months. We decided that this miscarriage was the worst thing that we have ever expereienced together and individually. We did learn new things about one another. We learned how much we need each other and how much better things are in life with the other by there side. We learned how strong we really are. I do believe thigns like this test you, it is easy to fail though. There are many times I wanted to by giving up and ignoring it all, but neither of us did. We saw eachother in a new light. Even though this was the end to our first pregnancy, it is the beginning of a better future and relationship. For all of these reasons we thought of the tattoos.

We agreed this was something we would share. I can not post pictures because just like everything else in my life lately, I learned yesterday my camera broke. Just another to add to my list of mishaps. So I will do my best at explaining it:
Our tattoos are a star with angel wings coming out of the right and left side. There is a halo around the top point of the star and underneath the whole thing is a date. Derrek and I did different sizes and also choose different wings, to fit what we liked. Derreks star is pinks and the winds are blues. Mine is the opposite, my star is blues and wings are pinks. The date is 2-14-09. Here is the meaning behind each part of the tattoo and the tattoo as a whole:
The STAR repersents the baby and how he/she is know our shining star.
The WINGS mean the baby is not with us and is like a angel watching over us.
The DATE is the date we lost the baby.
The COLORS repersent the baby, becasue we did not know the sex so we used both blues and pinks.
The TATTOO as a whole repersents what we went through, how we grew from it and how we will never forget what that day did to us as a couple. It basically repersents our strength.

Derrek's is in the middle of his back between his shoulder blades. Mine is located on my outside, right ankle area. It is a little higher than the ankle. We both LOVE them. The people at the tattoo place were super wonderful. Someone different did each of ours so they are simlilar in meaning, but different to fit us each. We feel so good about the decision we made and it was a wonderful time to bond. I will try to get pictures soon at least even from my phone.

XOXO,
Meg

Valentines Day...not what it use to mean

This weekend I was in MD (well still am, I will explain that in the end) visiting Derrek. It was so wonderful to be with him. Well as I feared the trip did not go as planned and was full of a lot of dissapointments and scares. Without trying to go into to many personal and unattracitve details I will do my best to explain what I expereinced and how it has change me.

Saturday morning (Valentines Day) was honestly the worst day of my entire life and will be engrained in my mind and memory forever. I was prepared for the miscarriage, so I thought. I began with the cramps that were nothing abnormal to me. It progessively got worse around 9am. Then the bleeding started. Seriously for FOUR hours it continued. I have never seen so much blood or been so grossed out. As it was easiest to just be in the shower due to what was happening (use your thoughts here), things got way worse. The next thing I expereienced can not be explained and expressed to the exact way I felt it. I started to see double and told Derrek, "I think I am going to pass out.". I had never passed out before but I knew something was not right. So I sat down. Derrek thankfully was behind me. What I experienced then was blurry. I just remember hearing Derrek say something and then everything went white and I began to dream something. I can not tell you now what that was, but whatever it was it was scary. I came to with my head in Derreks hands and him tapping my cheek saying "Baby, come on. Stay with me Baby." I could hear him but could not talk. It took me so much energy to say something to him. SCARY SCARY SCARY! There really is no other way to explain it. It scared Derrek too. I am just grateful he was there to catch my head when it fell. He said he knew something was wrong when my head fell forward. He grabbed my head and said he could not see my eyes. I guess it was only like 15 seconds, but to us both it felt like FOREVER. Right after I came to I threw up. I sat in the shower for another hour beacsue I just could not move. We finally decided I should get out...3 hours later. Before that I almost passed out two more times but Derrek made me pull it together. Needless to say the bleeding, dizzness and vomiting did not stop. I knew what was happening and knew I was going thrugh the miscarriage process, but with the amount of blood I lost and then the passing out we decided with some advice from my mom, it was best to go to the ER.

Eventually we got out of the hotel and eventally got to a ER that was open (Where Derrek is stationed there is no ER so we had to travel farther and it was just a mess). All my tests and blood level actually looked okay. That was the biggest concern. I would not have gone in if I had not expereiened so much blood loss and passing out, becasue I knew what was happening. They gave me fluids and did a ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. It was confirmed I had passed the baby. After four hours of being in the ER on Valentine's day we left. Today I am feeling like a different person compared to Saturday. I am still very sore bascially from my neck and shoulders to my hips. It is bearable compared to what I went through Saturday. I am having some nightmares of that day and am finding it hard to stop playing the scenes over in my head.

Derrek was amazing. He never once left my side, no matter what was happening! He stayed calm and strong for me when I was not. He handled the passing out great and calmly. He was sensitive and understanding. He was comforting and helpful. Never once did he complain from when it all started at 8am till 8pm that night when we left the ER. He had not eaten ALL day but never once said anything. He never got grossed out or looked at me differently from seeing me in that stage. I know things like this sometimes can bring trouble in a marriage, but for us...it did the opposite. We have bonded and become closer. It is as if it connected us in a way. This day will never be a great holiday for us in the future, instead it will be a day of rememberence. I have never experieneced something that was so hard. It is a change in life, personality and future.

So that this does not become a novel I am going to seperate the blogs. So it is more orgnaized. Read in newer posts about, our new tattoos and my new adventure in traveling.

XOXO,
Megs

Miscarriage

Well I had a 2nd ultrasound today. it showed no growth in the baby. That means I am miscarrying. I am kind of in the process of it. Hopefully it will be over SOON. This is something no one prepares you for. It is just something you never think you are going to go through. I am lost on how to move on from here. I just want Derrek here! I do not want to have to go through this. I want to sleep and when I wake up it not have happened. That is really all I can say right now! I am so lost and hurt and just not sure how to move on from here.

The good thing is I am going to see Derrek Presidents weekend. This is the time we need one another and he has 4 days off. So this is what we both need and want. All I can ask is for everyone to pray. Pray this ends soon and I keep it together.

XOXO,
Megs

Unimaginable Pain

Well this will be a long one! So be warned.
As everyone knows my mom works in the OB clinic. On Friday I was having a bad day trying to take care of this stupid insurance stuff for moving to CO and not being in CA anymore. So I went to see her at work. She suggested one of the ladies she works with do a ultrasound. She thought maybe that would help me.
So we do it. She could not find anything on the tummy one. So they did there other way (vaginally in care you did not know). I could tell by the look on the lady(Brit)'s face that something was odd. She asked the date of my last period, because that is how they measure how old the baby is. According to that I am 9 weeks. She said from what she could see, which was hard to see at all, I would be 5-6 weeks. She could not tell me much because she was not 100% sure and it was not an official appt.
She said just to wait till my actual appt on Friday (if Tri-care approves it!!!). At 5-6 weeks you can not see the heartbeat so we would have to wait. At my real appt they would be able to tell if the baby had grown or not.
So the options were basically that I either had been off on my weeks or that I had a mis-pregnancy(as my mom called it). A mis-pregnancy just means the baby did not develop and will disintegrate on its own usually. I had not had any symptoms that you would have if you miscarried. At my appt Friday it would either be the baby got bigger or smaller. So I was upset but took it and knew it would be a long next week.
Well that night at like midnight I just got this feeling. I just knew it was all over. My body told me the baby just was not going to grow. I had also not had pregnancy symptoms in like 3 days. I know most people are not going to understand why and how I already know, but I just do. I will still go on Friday just in case there are problems and just to find out when it happened and all.

I have been an absolute wreck since Friday night. Cried for literally three hours straight that night. I know I do not usually do things normal and things are complicated, but I thought this would be different. I did not expect this. I have cried numerous times since then. I have thought about everything. I have be angry at me, God and other people. I just find it hard to see light in the next day right now. And I know people say "everything happens for a reason" and I am a believer in that, but right now I can not see why and do not want to! You can not justify this! I know it is hard for people to react but I am so tired of hearing the above statement and "It will all be okay!"! How do you know it will be? Yes, with time it will, but right now I do not see that. I know 9 weeks is not that far, but you begin to change and your future is different and you plan it and get excited. It is something that can not fully be understood unless you experienced it.

It was not planned to get pregnant but we had embraced it and were so excited! My symptoms were SO strong and the books and people say the sicker you are the healthier the baby is! I can not help but blame myself. There are people who are 16 or do not want kids or beat there kids, and here we are losing it. I have never experienced anything so....life devastating! The worst thing is Derrek is not here by my side. He has been great over the phone, but to have him here would be so much more comforting!!! Yes, I am an ARMY wife who is suppose to be strong and keep it together, but that is not easy.

Obviously I can not be 100% sure till my real Appt Friday, but I feel I know. How do I go on from here? It is just something I still do not understand and have so many questions. I am trying just to go one day at a time....we will see what happens.

XOXO,
Megs

It is way official now!

Well I was doing so good. I had morning sickness...well all day sickness and night sickness, but no throwing up. I was feeling proud. I guess I should have known it would come. Today was my day. So I am officially pregnant now! Not that I was not before but I was missing some symptoms. So now I am on track hahaha! Even though it sucks being sick to my stomach, throwing up, not being able to sleep, boobs hurting like you can not imagine, being so overly tired and with no energy and having my back hurt, It is all worth it if that means our baby is healthy. I am told the worse your symptoms are the healthier the baby is. So it is all worth it, though I wish this first trimester would hurry and be over. Today is the mark of week 8. So about a month or so before it begins to get a little better. I have my first ultrasound on the 11th of February, Shawn's 19th birthday. I am sad that Derrek will not be here, but that is the duty of a Army wife. So I gotta suck it up. hehe

XOXO!

In CO for a while.

Well we made the journey out here to CO early this morning. The last two weeks have been hectic with the move and then having bad morning sickness. I am glad it is all over and I can take this week and relax a little. I am glad not to be in the car anymore, it was killer on my lower back. It is all done and I am home for a while.

There are days when I think my life is so bad, but in reality I am blessed and today I am seeing that. We all have our days. For the most part the past week I have been pretty positive which is good for me. hehe I really miss Derrek already. I think this time away is good for us and will make us stronger. I am sad he will miss some important things in mine and the baby's life over the next four months. But I remember how grateful I should be because he will be here for the birth and that is more for a lot of military wives with husbands overseas. So that is a blessing, even though I know over the next four months I might not remember that everyday, but it is the truth.

I am missing some good friends too. I miss Brit and Kelly lots! That was the hard thing of leaving Fort Irwin...leaving the amazing friends you make. It is military, but that does not mean it will not suck. Great friends are hard to find, but when you do, you hold on to them tight! It is funny how your life progresses and your friends you have as a adult come from so many different times and places throughout your life. Military, elementary school, high school, church and other random things have brought some wonderful friends into my life and I could not be luckier to have that.

Today is a not so good day as far as the pregnancy goes. I am so drained, sick to my stomach and my lower back is killing me. You have your good and your bad days, all of them are worth it in the end. Today is just a rough one, I think because I am making up for the last two weeks of mayhem and stress.

Well that is it for now. Be grateful what life brings you even if it is not always what you planned!

XOXO

moving is stressful!

WOW moving is wearing me down! I am not even doing most of the work. It is just stressful and trying to get everything in order is hard too. On top of being pregnant and tired as can be!
Today the movers are packing all our stuff. It is weird just sitting here while they do it all! Tomorrow they will load it all and take it to storage till we get our house in Fort Bliss this summer. They are 3 young guys who seem to be nice. It is just awkward. It is nice not having to do it all though. I do not think I could with everything going on and how I am feeling.

Who would have ever guessed that something so tiny that is just starting to grow could wear you out so stinking much! I am so tired. Sick to my stomach constantly...knock on wood I have not thrown up. My boobs hurt more than I could ever explain! My clothes are already not fitting right, which is a little depressing. My ache is out of control danget. I am so moody it is not funny. i know I am emotional and all usually, but now it is way more intense!! (Yes, Josh I am more emotional that you know me as, crazy huh?).

Well Derrek leaves to school on Thur morning. When I drop him off at the airport I will be picking my mom up. Then on Friday after my final walk through with housing we will hit the road. we are hoping to stop and stay at my old friend Shanda's who lives in Utah. We plan to be home on Sunday. I will just be glad when it is all over. Wish us luck! hehe

XOXO,
Megs