Unimaginable Pain

Well this will be a long one! So be warned.
As everyone knows my mom works in the OB clinic. On Friday I was having a bad day trying to take care of this stupid insurance stuff for moving to CO and not being in CA anymore. So I went to see her at work. She suggested one of the ladies she works with do a ultrasound. She thought maybe that would help me.
So we do it. She could not find anything on the tummy one. So they did there other way (vaginally in care you did not know). I could tell by the look on the lady(Brit)'s face that something was odd. She asked the date of my last period, because that is how they measure how old the baby is. According to that I am 9 weeks. She said from what she could see, which was hard to see at all, I would be 5-6 weeks. She could not tell me much because she was not 100% sure and it was not an official appt.
She said just to wait till my actual appt on Friday (if Tri-care approves it!!!). At 5-6 weeks you can not see the heartbeat so we would have to wait. At my real appt they would be able to tell if the baby had grown or not.
So the options were basically that I either had been off on my weeks or that I had a mis-pregnancy(as my mom called it). A mis-pregnancy just means the baby did not develop and will disintegrate on its own usually. I had not had any symptoms that you would have if you miscarried. At my appt Friday it would either be the baby got bigger or smaller. So I was upset but took it and knew it would be a long next week.
Well that night at like midnight I just got this feeling. I just knew it was all over. My body told me the baby just was not going to grow. I had also not had pregnancy symptoms in like 3 days. I know most people are not going to understand why and how I already know, but I just do. I will still go on Friday just in case there are problems and just to find out when it happened and all.

I have been an absolute wreck since Friday night. Cried for literally three hours straight that night. I know I do not usually do things normal and things are complicated, but I thought this would be different. I did not expect this. I have cried numerous times since then. I have thought about everything. I have be angry at me, God and other people. I just find it hard to see light in the next day right now. And I know people say "everything happens for a reason" and I am a believer in that, but right now I can not see why and do not want to! You can not justify this! I know it is hard for people to react but I am so tired of hearing the above statement and "It will all be okay!"! How do you know it will be? Yes, with time it will, but right now I do not see that. I know 9 weeks is not that far, but you begin to change and your future is different and you plan it and get excited. It is something that can not fully be understood unless you experienced it.

It was not planned to get pregnant but we had embraced it and were so excited! My symptoms were SO strong and the books and people say the sicker you are the healthier the baby is! I can not help but blame myself. There are people who are 16 or do not want kids or beat there kids, and here we are losing it. I have never experienced anything so....life devastating! The worst thing is Derrek is not here by my side. He has been great over the phone, but to have him here would be so much more comforting!!! Yes, I am an ARMY wife who is suppose to be strong and keep it together, but that is not easy.

Obviously I can not be 100% sure till my real Appt Friday, but I feel I know. How do I go on from here? It is just something I still do not understand and have so many questions. I am trying just to go one day at a time....we will see what happens.

XOXO,
Megs