how can it still hurt so much....

Today was a bad day for me. Sometimes I have days where I am just a little down and miss being pregnant and all, but today was a bad one. I have no idea what hit me either to make me feel as I have all day. Maybe just all the pregnant people around me or the new babies everyone has, but today was hard. I felt like I was reliving the day we found out we lost the baby and the day I actually physcially did lose the baby. I understand that everything happens for a reason and I fully agree...that does not mean it does not hurt!

It is the stupid questions to "why". The questions can never be answered and today I found myself asking God these questions again as I did 4 months ago. It is hard to not have answers and to see people all around you being blessed and it makes it hard to stay strong. I believe though I have done very well with it all...better than anyone expected me to be. So I think I am entialed to a day like this. I literally cried for like 45 minutes today and thank goodness Derrek was home to hold me. I finally fell asleep for a couple hours. Now I am just in a daze nad have a killer headache. I accomplished NOTHING at all today and I am mad at myself for that but again I think I deserve a day like that. It was as if I had an emotional break down and lost the compusure I have managed to keep over the months since the loss. All I ask is that God keeps watching over me and get me through this...and as one of my best friends told me a while back...I have a gardian angel watching over me and just for me.



This is Derrek's Tattoo


XOXO,
Megs

Sleep problems

Another night of being up at 5am. I am so tired of not being able to sleep. I try and do anything to help with it. I have done relaxation techniques, drugs, herbal things like tea, warm showers, and anything else you can think about. I hate it, I want to be able to get up at 10am because I go to bed at a decent hour. I have even tried the last couple days getting up early no matter what time I go to bed, and it still does not help. I get to the point...like right now...that I should not go to sleep. It is 5am and I am afraid that when I do fall asleep then I wont be able to get up at a decent hour, therefore wasting a day with Derrek. Why can I not just be normal? Or be like Derrek who sleeps just fine! AHHHHH

On to other things, getting a job here seems to not be so easy. I have applied for 4 jobs and now I just wait. I hear it is very hard to get a job in El Paso as they expect you to speak both English and Spanish. I think that is stupid as I am in the US. Maybe that is mean of me to say, but I think that is dumb. I am very educated in other things but if I can not speak a foreign language I can't work somewhere. I also decided I am not settling on something like a retail job as I did at Irwin, it is not worth it. I would rather not where then work somewhere that will not help me, make me happy or better my future. I mean that are TONS of military wives that do not work and they are just fine. So we do not need it for the money, I just like to work to stay busy and help learn children more.

Well for now this is it...


XOXO,
Megs

Trying to get orgnaized.

Well we finally recieved our household goods. In ways I wish we had not. The apartment is to small for everything we had before. I am so overwhelmed with the boxes everywhere. We have unpacked a lot but I still feel like we have not. It is hard to unpack and get orgnaized when all these boxes are in the way. It is so furstrating. I wish I could just have someone come do it for me the way I invision it. haha.

We are learning we do not need as much stuff as we had. I have no idea why we have some of the stuff we did. We have so many clothes and I even got rid of so many before we left Irwin. So I will be going through those again once we are all the way unpacked. We just do not have the storage we did at Irwin. We are going to go buy the spacevac things and hope that helps with some winter clothes and such. Man I just hate moving. I just want to be settled already and it to feel like home!

XOXO,
Megs

Friends+Moving=Lonely

So we moved to El Paso and Granted I was only there for a few days before leave to come visit my family on the East Coast...I hate moving. I hate making GOOD friends and then getting comfortable with them and leaving again. It is hard to keep in contact with friends. It is even harder when they still have friends and a life, while I do not have that. I have Derrek but you still need friends. Not living on base this time will make it even harder to make friends. I hate that. I hate being so insecure. I am always afriad if I do not talk to my best friend or godo friend each day that we are growing apart. Stupid I know...but I can not help that feeling. Why is that? I get jealous so easily when old friends go out or have fun. That is so childish I feel. I need a life. lol I am not good with the making good friends and moving and having to start over. AHHHHHHH! I need to stop being overemotional...and trust in my TRUE friends I have made! No one is doing anything wrong, but me, not trusting in the bonds I have with some amazing people!

XOXO,
Megs

Oh so much...so quickly

Well everyone I hoped to get more updates on the honeymoon trip but I tried to avoid the computer besides for homework. I will try and get some updates and pictures from the trip soon! It has been crazy. We got back from our trip Sunday morning. I got very sick with some bad cold...not the swine flu! It is funny though when I cough in public and people look at me as if I am killing them. I get some BAD cold every like 6 months. It tricked me this time and waiting 7-8months. So I have been battling that. I sound like a manly man with my voice too! ;-)
Anyway's we got back Sunday morning to Colorado and left Tuesday morning to Texas. We got here late Tuesday night and went and signed Derrek in at the post and stayed at a hotel. The post is HUGE! It is like a new world compared to Fort Irwin. It is very nice too!
Wednesday we came and signed for our apartment. The manager of the apartments was super sweet and helpful. We got a 2 bedroom/2 bath! It is about 950 sq. ft. and within our BAH (housing money the army gives us). It is a gated community and has on site security who is a Texas patrol. So we are liking it even though there have been delays on getting our household goods released from storage in CA and sent here. So that is hard but we are getting by.

On Wednesday the car was acting up so we had to take it into the shop. The guy there was super nice too and very helpful calling around trying to get us a rental car. So finally we found a place and he took us there. So we had a rental car which was like $50 for ONE day! That was crazy but we did not have a choice. Come to find out there were like 3 things wrong with the car. It needed a tune up and new plugs and such. It needs a new belt and something else with that. So the guy suggested if we could not afford it all today ($800) that at least do the tune up and get the belt replaces ASAP. So we did that. While I am gone next week Derrek is going to take it back and have the other $300 work done. The guy was super helpful and nice though. So far the customer service here in TX has been GREAT! I was concerned at first but so far I am impressed. As much as I hate that the car was acting up I feel grateful...it waited till we got here rather than the ride down and I have had it for 3 years with no problems but to replace the clutch which was my fault. So I am very lucky.

Well Saturday my mom is coming to TX to pick me up and we are going to go get Shawn from school. The orginial plan was Derrek and I were both going with her than our honeymoon...but the army did not like that. So because we are mostly settled depsite not having HHG, I decided I really wanted to go with my mom. I Really want to see Josh too and we are going too. We are going to also stop in VA for a few days so I am super stoked! Besides being away from Derrek it will be great! I miss my family. Well this is already longer than I planned. More updates to come soon I hope!

XOXO,
Megs

Day one of Honeymoon Adventure...

Well I got in to DC Wednesday night. I met Derrek in the airport and it was GREAT! He picked me up in a big hug! We went and rented our car and then started on the road to the hotel we had booked. We got lost and then got to the red roof inn which was crappy. Anyways it was a great night with Derrek. We made a Slurpee run at like midnight and it has rained so I jumped in puddles in the parking lot. Derrek was too "cool" to do it with me. He missed out. hehe I slept dang good!!

Today we decided to go to the Baltimore Aquarium. It was AWESOME! So worth the money. We decided what fish we were going to steal from there and make our own aquarium in the mansion we have when we win the lottery. We even named them. We also paid like $10 extra for the dolphin show. It was so worth it! It was awesome to see dolphins and be so close. After the aquarium we went to the hard rock cafe and shared a grilled chicken sandwich that was amazing!


This is the type of Dolphins we saw at the show. I want one of my own!! Maybe for my next birthday ;-)


After that we got on the road and headed towards PA and decided to drive and we would stop where ever we wanted to. So we stopped at the first exit in Delaware! We both had never been. So we are in the hotel and enjoyed pizza for dinner and some Mikes Hard. It was good.

Derrek is passed out next to me and I am going to join him...tomorrow promises to be FUN as we are going to Hershey, PA! Look for that update. Pictures to come...

XOXO,
Megs and Derrek...kind of :-)

Came together rather nice

Well I am off to DC in like 8 hours. Even though the last 24hours have been very overwhelming i have to be thankful it has come together so great. I found a pretty good plane ticket out price wise. I will meet Derrek at the Ronald Reagan airport where we will rent a car. Then we got a hotel for Wed and Thur night near by for a good deal. We will sight see and spend time together. Then Friday we will go somewhere a little closer to the resort and find something fun to do Friday and Saturday...a little unsure where we want to go. Then on Sunday we will check into the Poconos and stay there till Saturday! Then Saturday we will drive to the Ronald Reagan airport (about 4 hours) and turn in the rental car and fly out EARLY Sunday morning. The rental car was only $50 more to keep the car for 11 days rather than just the 3 days before the honeymoon trip. It was crazy. Needless to say after everything is sad and done we will ahve used most of our tax money and nothing else. So that is good and we got some good deals thanks to the military! It was stressful finding it all but my mom and Derrek were very helpful.

Am I happy I am leaving in two weeks for Bliss....NO! But I am grateful that everything worked out for our trip and Derrek and I get this time together. I wish we had a little more time home with friends and family before we leave but luckily I have had that for two months now. The most important thing is that we will be together again! I am all packed and ready to go! Hopefully I can get some sleep. Very excited to see Derrek in like 15 hours!!!!

XOXO,
Megs

Army life can BITE BAD!

So I guess April is not going to be another GREAT month like March. Derrek found out today that when he is released from Aberdeen (where he is at for school right now) on Wednesday or Thursday we have 15 days to get to Fort Bliss. Orginally his orders said the 10th of June. Do not ask me questions on how and why they did this but they did. It is the Army so you can not ask many questions and they do not give many answers. So our ENTIRE plans changed!

Stupid me did not get insurance on his plane ticket for Wednesday so....they gave us a credit through travelocity (where I bought his ticket) that has to be used in the next year under Derrek's name and the same airline. So there goes that $150 till a later date. So I bought a ticket for $180 to Ronald Raegan Airport for Wednesday. And got a rental car. We will sight see and hang out until Sunday. Then Sunday we will go to the Poconos for our honeymoon trip....thankfully we were able to change the date we had set for May to this coming Sunday. No difference in price or room or anything. So that worked out. Now I need to find plane tickets back to CO from PA next Saturday and we will be home for only a few days then on our way to Bliss.

I am thankful that most of it worked out with the honeymoon trip and all. Thank god i saved ALL our tax money for this trip, because we will be using it ALL. So we are forking out more money with extra plane tickets, hotel and car rental but sometimes you have to enjoy time and not worry about money. I am obviously overwhelmed and stressed as this was not the plan and I can not imagine having to leave by the end of this month. So stress is the apartment hunting and such goes up. But I will try and take it day by day.

Well gotta get some homework done and then start packing as I leave Wednesday morning!

XOXO,
Megs

What a wonderful world...

As I sit here and it is almost 1am I have so much that I am thinking of. I had a wonderful birthday and I have to say it was because I have such amazing people in my life. Between the texts, calls, comments and the lucky ones who got to party with me that night, I was just so lucky to have so much love. That is honestly the best gift a person can have. It is not about material things, but the people who share with you in that special day and I had many.

It makes me just keep thinking back to what I have been through the past two and a half months. I know I have said it before but I am just so grateful for what I have gained through it all. Some amazing friendships that will last a lifetime. The positive outlook I have gained through all the sadness and reality of the things I have faced. The motivation I have to make my future bright and successful. The amazing love and strength Derrek and I have gained as a couple. All of these things came from something that is honestly the worst thing I could have imagined to happen at that time in my life.

Often times lately I have jumped to conclusions and have gotten concerned so easily over things that are not worth it. Because I have had so many great things lately I am so use to something going wrong so it is as if I am on guard for that thing to happen. So sometimes I catch myself trying to hard to please people in my friendships because of the fear of losing them. I am trying to stop this as it will cause problems if I keep questioning things. It is not the person or people at all! It is my past. I think that is my hardest thing is leaving the past in the past. So that is what I am going to be working on for a little while...trusting life is good and that something bad does NOT have to happen. Enjoy what I have and think about the present not the past or even future. That is my goal for this month.

I can not say thank you enough to the amazing people in my life who are still by my side on my bad days when I break down. For the people with countious encouraging words and not the statements such as "I know how you feel" and "it will all be okay". You know who you are and I am blessed to have you!!!

XOXO,
Megs

Twitter??

Well I just joined the world of Twitter.....http://twitter.com/MegsHeartDerrek! Not that I have any clue what it really is! Between my blog, myspace and facebook...I do not know if twitter is any difference. It seems very confusing to me. Anyone have any insight for me?
Oh and I did find a actress who was Punky Brewster!!! I loved that show and have almost all the seasons on DVD! She is so pretty. It was crazy to see her name pop up on twitter. HAHA Well hopefully I will learn what this is and what the buzz is all about!

Off to bed as tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY!!!!

XOXO,
Megs