March was GREAT

Well it has been a while. Just have not been in the mood to write...which is odd for me. Anyways as tomorrow is the first day of April I have to say how lucky I have been. The weekend I miscarried and my camera broke and I got stuck in MD for longer than planned I told my mom I was going to pray that March would be my month. I guess God heard that prayer.

March was amazing! It was full of some amazing memories. Of course there were still rough days where I cried and wished I was still pregnant. But for all I have been through this month was wonderful. I have been blessed with some amazing people! I have found a amazing friend when I needed it most. I have gained more strength then I ever imagained having before. I began to see life in a new way since the miscarriage. I began planning our honeymoon. I finally found some nice apartments in El Paso that are within about 25 minute drive. I got closure on something that had been hurting me for 3 years. I got my hair done and love it. Derrek and I have become even closer. Derrek and I understand how important our love is. I learned that even though some friends are not close in distance they have been amazing through it all! I have spent lots of me and my mommy time. I have laughed more than i have in a long time. I have stressed less than i have in a long time. I saw life in a brighter light and believed that people can make all the difference in your life.



Miscarrying was by far the worst expereince ever, but I have to be grateful for everything that has come out of it since. God has blessed me and made me see myself in ways I never did before. Helping me to forget abuot something and leave it in his hands. Reminding me of who I am and the strength I carry in me. My showing me the people in my life who truly care and are worth my time and energy. As I sit and reflect on this amazing month i can only hope that April is full of many more memories, lessons and laughters! Consdiering it is my birthday month and when Derrek finally comes home...I am in great hopes that it will be good! As sad as I am to see March be done, I look forward to the new memories i will make in April.


XOXO,
Megs

I want to fix it.

I remember now more and more who I am. I love being the ear to someones problems. I love being the girl advice giver to guy friends. I love being able to make someone smile when they are having a bad day. But what I do not love is watching someone I care about be in pain and there is nothing I can do.

You know you really care about someone when they are crying and you start crying! It hurt me to see her hurt and know nothing I could say would make it better for her. It hurts me now to know emotionally and physically she is going through something no 22 year old should have to go through. I want to fix it! I want to take it all away. Good people do not deserve some of the crap they get. There are so many mean and evil people out there who never experience hardships as I have or she has. It is not fair!!! I know that is part of life, but it does not mean I can not be mad about it. I want to take her pain from her and ease her worries and i can not.

I also hate being hundreds miles away from my husband as he is struggling with an injury. It is not the end of the world but it is emotionally affecting him because they have him on a profile (not being able to do PT or hold weapons) and missing class for DR appts. I know he psychically is okay but i hate seeing...well hearing him down and knowing I can not do much.

Why can't I be superwoman and fix everyones hardships? That is what I want! I do not want ot see people I love suffer!

XOXO,
Meg
P.S. Me out having fun enjoying life for the first time in two months....

Honeymoon and life....

Well it is relaity! After everything Derrek and I have been through in the last 2 months we decided we needed to finally have a honeymoon! We have been talking about it and have been so excited but yesterday I actually booked it and put a deposit down, so it is really happening!!

We looked into many options and decided that the Pocono Mountains in PA was perfect. It is a couples resort and the rooms are amazing! On top of that I did my research and they give great military discounts. 50% weekdays and 20% weekends. So a room that is normally like $400 a night was $200 for us. This is an all inclusive resort. It is amazing. They have 3 hotels on the resort and we picked this one...
Suites at Paradise Stream and then they have tons of room choices and we picked Diana's Oasis. It has a heart shaped bath tub! Which of course I love. We have our own private pool and fireplace.

On top of it being the most romantic room ever there is so much to do. We are looking at horse back riding for sure and a couple other things for sure. We will expereince as much as we can in our 6 nights and 7 days. I will include the link for anyone interested. It is almost two years after our wedding but a honeymoon is a honeymoon.

FYI: for anyone who was thinking of getting us an anniversary gift or anything and would like to help with the trip. They have gift certificates you can purchase on the website. We would love something liek that this year to help us with our trip even though it will be two months before our actual anniversary.

CHECK OUT THE WEBSITE THOUGH.....
http://www.caesarspoconoresorts.com/suites/dianasoasis.aspx

XOXO,
Meg and Derrek

I have so much!

Sometimes you get so down and life keeps handing you crap...as I know! And you get screwed over so much it is hard to remember that things happen and people come into our lives that do NOT screw us over. We focus on the bad ones that sometimes we forget about the good ones, right in front of us...Well at least I do this. I have finally gotten out a little bit and it has been so great to be reminded who I am, where I come from and the wonderful people who are there new and old.

Last week I went to hang out with a old HS friend. She really hurt me like 5 years ago. But once we got together it was as if we had been friends forever. We both have grown and changed but are still the same. It was nice to re-connect and have that girl who was just as emotional and passionate about things as I am. We connect and have so much fun together. Also thanks to Britters, it kind of got me started on getting out again and enjoying life. Thank goodness for her and her persistance! Thanks Brit!!

This weekend I did more than I have since before I was pregnant so that was great for me and helped me with sleeping a little. Saturday night I hang out with Ashley(for those who do not know her and i have been friends since we were 5 years old!). We went to this little ghetto bar becasue my friend, Josh his band was playing there. Not our type of bar but we went for support of Josh. It was great to be out with Ashley and have a few drinks. She is excited to take me out over the next couple months. The way I see it is this is about the only time I will not be working in my life so might as well live it up and have some fun. It was also great to hear Joshs band and look at the changes they have come through esp him. It was nice to see a old friend who really helped me in life and got me where I am.

Then yesterday, Sunday, I hang out with two friends for my dorm days at Colorado Mtn College my first year of college. Katie and I went up to CO Springs to see Chelsea. We met her boyfriend who is so perfect for her and makes me so happy to see her having such a great support system becasue she has been through a lot.
The three of us girls than went to the mall, then mini golfing and then got ice cream. I was so tired by the time we headed home but it was worth it. It was as if no time had passed since we saw one another last which was my wedding. We had so much fun and it was so great to be reminded you have great friends.

So over all I have learned and been reminded that I might not talk to people all the time but when things get rough they are there. When you get to get out of the house they are there. If you need a shoulder they are there no matter the distance! I have gone throuhg a lot with girl friends hurting me and walking all over me, but in the end finally at the age of 23 (well in a month I will be 23) I have finally learned how to pick my friends and am blessed!

So to Kelly, Britters, Amanda, Chels, Katie, Ashley, Shanda, Desirae and anyone else who has been there....THANK YOU...I could not get thorugh this without you!!!

XOXO,
Megs

Dream

So last night...well this morning. I woke up and had just had a dream that was so very vivid.

I have never had a dream of having children except one time when I was pregnant that is it. Last night I had one of us having a little boy. At first he was a baby and then the next thing I remember is him being in kindergarten. Derrek and I went to pick him up from school. Derrek was in his uniform. The little boy had hair just the color of Derrek's like to the T! The little boy ran into my arms when he saw us. I remember this dream in such details the little boys shoes came off when he ran into my arms. His shoes were slip on superman shoes that were blue. Derrek went and picked them up out of the green grass! That is how much I remember at least that scene of the dream.

The dream was not neccssiarily a bad dream but it was hard for me to think about! The fact that I remember it so vividly is hard. It was a sad dream for me to wake up and remember. Never had a dream where I had a child I could see vividly and then remember that dream in so many specifics later when i woke up! Not to sure how I feel about it but it has had me a little shaken up all day!

XOXO,
Megs

Having a Sad moment

Well sorry Kelly this post is not as positive as I have been, just a warning.
So I am sitting here and looking at everyones new pictures and such on myspace. It feels like everyone is pregnant. I know it is selfish or mean of me, but it makes me mad. It is hard looking at all these women pregnant. Some younger, some older, some first child, some not, either way it is just hard. It is hard not to thinking about where I would be if I was still pregnant. These are the moments that make it all so hard.

I feel so....alone right now. I just wish I would wake up and be pregnant again, so I can experience all that these women are. It is just not fair!! I know I know...everything happens for a reason, but it is in these moments that I do not feel it and see that it is okay. I know it will pass, but even for the little time I am experiencing this feeling, makes me feel so depressed. I assume this is normal as I only miscarried a little over a week ago. I just do not like thinking about it all and it all being done. No shopping for baby, no getting a bigger belly, no baby shower, no any of that. Well this is a little of how i feel tonight and it is moments like this were being in Derrek's arms would be so comforting...Off to bed soon because I do not want to continue with this feeling.

XOXO,
Megs

One week later

A little over a week ago we experienced the hardest thing we had ever gone through. So you would think we would be doing bad or not so good. Well that is not true. Derrek and I are doing great as a couple. Emotionally we are both still trying to move on from all of this and the great loss that we expereienced. We know it will take time and we are allowing that time to help us heal and come to terms with it all.
But as far as our marriage goes...I think we are better than we have ever been. It is as if we are where I have always dreamed to be. Obviously we hate being away from one another!!! But we connected in ways we had never connected before. He loved me in ways he had never before, but the ways I have always wanted. AS hard as that week was it was great too. I know that is hard to understand, but the strength we have now is more than we ever could have imagined. This situation tested us and our love, and we proved we love one another more than we each thought!

We are now trying to get through a couple more months of being a part! That is harder than it has been before. But we will do it becasue in the end we will have on another. We will have a whole month devoted to us!! We are use to having our marriage be second right after his job as a soldier. Well for the month of May, we can be first! And we are taking advantage of that. We are looking into a romantic trip in the Pocono Mtns in PA!! We are so excited because it will be like the honeymoon we never had. It is a little early for our two year anniversary, but close enough. The army only gives you certain time so you take it when you have it. We are hoping for soem good taxes back so that we can use it for our trip! It will not be cheap but we deserve it and they provide 50% discount for military! So we are stoked beyond belief! Well wish me luck as I attempt to do our taxes myself online this week!! :-)

XOXO,
Megs and Derrek
P.S. no pictures anytime soon as the camera broke last weekend. Just to add to the things we were experiencing the camera was cracked too, thank God I have a birthday in a little over a month!

Dumbest move EVER

Well readers this post will give you a good laugh!
Today I was leaving MD to go back home to CO. My flight was to leave at 3:30pm. Derrek drops me off at the airport, we say our goodbyes and I hold in the tears. I get to the kiosk thing to check in and it can not find me. Not to worry, this happened on the way out here too. So I talk to the lady at the counter. She searches and tells me she does not show me going out today. She asks me if I can check my priceline itinerary online. So I go and sit down and check to make sure I am correct and all. I get on and I look closely, I find the date. The date reads: Thursday February 19th. I stop and stare at that screen. My eyes start to swell with tears. I go back to the counter and tell the lade I messed up and I got the wrong date. I text Derrek and Tell him to stop somewhere and wait a minute for me to call. The wonderful lady at the counter looks up the flights going out today and looking at prices for me to change to fly out today. She comes out with it all and it will be a extra $400 and some change to leave today (Monday). All of a sudden those tears that swelled my eyes are now running down my cheeks. She looks at other flights for the week before Thursday and I am still looking at a minimum of $200. I ask her to hold that flight for today while I figure out what I am going to do.

I call Derrek and begin to just sob. You have to remember this weekend had already not gone as planned and I experienced a lot of things I had never before. I am drained from life in general the past couple months. I tell him I was a idiot and screwed up some how. We decode to call the rental car company and see what it would be to hold the car till Thur and if I could return it on Thursday. We learn it will only be like another $40. We weigh our options and decide the smartest and cheapest thing to do is for me to stay. I am so upset and mad. Not mad that I have to be with Derrek till Thursday, but at the situation, at the times I have been having, and at myself for being so stupid. I have looked at that itinerary many times! I knew what time I flew out, where my lay over was, how long that was and what time I arrived in Denver and the carriers. I never ONCE looked at the date above it though. I never thought too! I swear I would not have done that. I assume either it was my mistake, due to everything on my mind and how much it's going on or priceline screwed it up. Either way I could not change it.

I blame Derrek because last night he told me he wished I could stay longer and then said he wishes I could stay in the barracks with him till May. ;-) So we are going to blame it on him. I just feel like it has been one thing after another. I want a break! ONE month that nothing goes wrong and I experience nothing like I have recently. Just one month. February has not been my month so many March will. We will cross my fingers. Needless to day I am in a cheap hotel for the next couple nights and no more clean underwear HAHA! I am sore, tried, drained, and all I can do is laugh at the situation. I will take the time while Derrek is in class and get ahead in my class this week and read and regroup for when I get home.
Welcome to my life and hope someone got a laugh out of this! We are laughing about it now ourselves!

XOXO,
Meg

P.S. Wish me luck for Thursday! I need luck on my side right about now!

Tattoos+Bonding

Derrek and I thought that getting tattoos would be a wonderful thing to do with everything we have been through the past 2 months. We decided that this miscarriage was the worst thing that we have ever expereienced together and individually. We did learn new things about one another. We learned how much we need each other and how much better things are in life with the other by there side. We learned how strong we really are. I do believe thigns like this test you, it is easy to fail though. There are many times I wanted to by giving up and ignoring it all, but neither of us did. We saw eachother in a new light. Even though this was the end to our first pregnancy, it is the beginning of a better future and relationship. For all of these reasons we thought of the tattoos.

We agreed this was something we would share. I can not post pictures because just like everything else in my life lately, I learned yesterday my camera broke. Just another to add to my list of mishaps. So I will do my best at explaining it:
Our tattoos are a star with angel wings coming out of the right and left side. There is a halo around the top point of the star and underneath the whole thing is a date. Derrek and I did different sizes and also choose different wings, to fit what we liked. Derreks star is pinks and the winds are blues. Mine is the opposite, my star is blues and wings are pinks. The date is 2-14-09. Here is the meaning behind each part of the tattoo and the tattoo as a whole:
The STAR repersents the baby and how he/she is know our shining star.
The WINGS mean the baby is not with us and is like a angel watching over us.
The DATE is the date we lost the baby.
The COLORS repersent the baby, becasue we did not know the sex so we used both blues and pinks.
The TATTOO as a whole repersents what we went through, how we grew from it and how we will never forget what that day did to us as a couple. It basically repersents our strength.

Derrek's is in the middle of his back between his shoulder blades. Mine is located on my outside, right ankle area. It is a little higher than the ankle. We both LOVE them. The people at the tattoo place were super wonderful. Someone different did each of ours so they are simlilar in meaning, but different to fit us each. We feel so good about the decision we made and it was a wonderful time to bond. I will try to get pictures soon at least even from my phone.

XOXO,
Meg

Valentines Day...not what it use to mean

This weekend I was in MD (well still am, I will explain that in the end) visiting Derrek. It was so wonderful to be with him. Well as I feared the trip did not go as planned and was full of a lot of dissapointments and scares. Without trying to go into to many personal and unattracitve details I will do my best to explain what I expereinced and how it has change me.

Saturday morning (Valentines Day) was honestly the worst day of my entire life and will be engrained in my mind and memory forever. I was prepared for the miscarriage, so I thought. I began with the cramps that were nothing abnormal to me. It progessively got worse around 9am. Then the bleeding started. Seriously for FOUR hours it continued. I have never seen so much blood or been so grossed out. As it was easiest to just be in the shower due to what was happening (use your thoughts here), things got way worse. The next thing I expereienced can not be explained and expressed to the exact way I felt it. I started to see double and told Derrek, "I think I am going to pass out.". I had never passed out before but I knew something was not right. So I sat down. Derrek thankfully was behind me. What I experienced then was blurry. I just remember hearing Derrek say something and then everything went white and I began to dream something. I can not tell you now what that was, but whatever it was it was scary. I came to with my head in Derreks hands and him tapping my cheek saying "Baby, come on. Stay with me Baby." I could hear him but could not talk. It took me so much energy to say something to him. SCARY SCARY SCARY! There really is no other way to explain it. It scared Derrek too. I am just grateful he was there to catch my head when it fell. He said he knew something was wrong when my head fell forward. He grabbed my head and said he could not see my eyes. I guess it was only like 15 seconds, but to us both it felt like FOREVER. Right after I came to I threw up. I sat in the shower for another hour beacsue I just could not move. We finally decided I should get out...3 hours later. Before that I almost passed out two more times but Derrek made me pull it together. Needless to say the bleeding, dizzness and vomiting did not stop. I knew what was happening and knew I was going thrugh the miscarriage process, but with the amount of blood I lost and then the passing out we decided with some advice from my mom, it was best to go to the ER.

Eventually we got out of the hotel and eventally got to a ER that was open (Where Derrek is stationed there is no ER so we had to travel farther and it was just a mess). All my tests and blood level actually looked okay. That was the biggest concern. I would not have gone in if I had not expereiened so much blood loss and passing out, becasue I knew what was happening. They gave me fluids and did a ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. It was confirmed I had passed the baby. After four hours of being in the ER on Valentine's day we left. Today I am feeling like a different person compared to Saturday. I am still very sore bascially from my neck and shoulders to my hips. It is bearable compared to what I went through Saturday. I am having some nightmares of that day and am finding it hard to stop playing the scenes over in my head.

Derrek was amazing. He never once left my side, no matter what was happening! He stayed calm and strong for me when I was not. He handled the passing out great and calmly. He was sensitive and understanding. He was comforting and helpful. Never once did he complain from when it all started at 8am till 8pm that night when we left the ER. He had not eaten ALL day but never once said anything. He never got grossed out or looked at me differently from seeing me in that stage. I know things like this sometimes can bring trouble in a marriage, but for us...it did the opposite. We have bonded and become closer. It is as if it connected us in a way. This day will never be a great holiday for us in the future, instead it will be a day of rememberence. I have never experieneced something that was so hard. It is a change in life, personality and future.

So that this does not become a novel I am going to seperate the blogs. So it is more orgnaized. Read in newer posts about, our new tattoos and my new adventure in traveling.

XOXO,
Megs